Innocence Fades

[Venomous Vixen]

Doubt lingers
amidst cruel fingers
of selfish thoughts submerged,
drowning in the possibilities,
buried in what I can’t see,
flickering assurance
fleeting like the child’s innocence,
once shiny and new now tarnished,
garnished in reality, actuality-
I am alone

Trust…

Something I crave,
deeper than lust
love lingers,
like a mirage on the horizon,
a façade of dreams
and the little girl inside has died,
how long can I hold the smile
across miles of need,
wandering,
searching for the puzzle pieces,
a release-
I am alone

[Corneac]

Mmmm...ah this one had an affect on me. Bad or good. A definite affect, so much, so many weighted words, and defiant metaphors - takes a while for it sink in. Your poetry always does that to me - overwhelms me. Powerful, p'raps overpowering in some places...language wise.

Once shiny and new now tarnished,
Garnished in reality, actuality-

Loved. Loved. Utterly adored this snippet - struck me the first time I read it, and jsut everything. Perfect use of inner rhymes, without being overdone, and without doing away with the strength of meaning. Love that word...actuality.

[Dala Isyrias]

Wow Bri. Very amazing portrayed and delivered.

[Venomous Vixen]

Thank you both very much

[Syrah]

Doubt lingers
Amidst cruel fingers
Of selfish thoughts submerged,
Drowning in the possibilities,
Buried in what I can’t see,
Flickering Assurance
Fleeting like the child’s innocence,
Once shiny and new now tarnished,
Garnished in reality, actuality-
I am alone

Ok. First a couple suggestions---

Doubt lingers
amidst cruel fingers
of selfish thoughts submerged,
Drowning in the possibilities,
buried in what I can’t see,
Flickering Assurance
Fleeting like a child’s innocence,
once shiny and new, now tarnished,
Garnished in reality, actuality-
I am alone.

Ok- the reasons I'm suggesting the lower casing at the beginning of those particular lines is because it seems to make those lines with capitalization have more emphasis and has a "new thought" type of feel to it. I liked "Flickering Assurance" being both upper cases because it really grabs your attention and says- HEY. LISTEN. I like how that works in the flow of the poem as well helps enhance the content. The comma after new is more grammatically correct, and it seems that the flow has a slight pause there naturally. I suggest having a period at the end of I am alone because it strikes me as a line you want to really drive home. I am alone. This is the poem in one line, the stanzas only giving way to more description and a deeper understanding of that statement. Also, changing the "the" to "a" child's innocence -- just a suggestion because- to me- it reads better that way.

Trust…

I like how this word is by itself out there. A transition and holding of thought. Letting the reader know it is extremely important to you (the one in the poem, however the reader interprets that). Its lingering almost makes it repeat itself in one's mind. A poignant way to get the point across.

Something I crave,
Deeper than lust
Love lingers,
Like a mirage on the horizon,
A façade of dreams
And the little girl inside has died,
How long can I hold the smile
Across miles of need,
Wandering,
Searching for the puzzle pieces,
A release-
I am alone

Once again, a few suggestions...

something I crave,
Deeper than lust
love lingers,
Like a mirage on the horizon,
a façade of dreams
and the little girl inside has died,
How long can I hold the smile
across miles of need,
Wandering,
searching for the puzzle pieces,
A release-
I am alone.

Now, once again my reasoning for the suggestion on changing the capitals is the same... emphasizing different lines and creating the illusion of a thought continuing. I wouldn't suggest this for every poem but- once again to me- it seems apropos to this poem. The first line, though... I suggest being lower case because the thought seems to be continued from "Trust..." and seems to beg not to stand out but be that continued feeling. And once again the statement "I am alone" seems to beg for finality. A strong ending. So I suggest a period there as well.


Take everything I have said with a grain of salt. This is a well written piece and does not need any changes to make it good. XOXOXOXO

[Venomous Vixen]

Thanks Sy, I need to go back over this one... I can't stand not capitalizing every line but you make a valid point, I may bend my own rules on this one.

[Corneac]

I can't stand not capitalizing every line but you make a valid point, I may bend my own rules on this one.

yes, yes, need to go back over this one...indeed, capitalixation. Reading over this again - pretty darn good. but you said you'd fix it up...fix it up!

[Venomous Vixen]

There all better now

[Vorcla]

Beautiful, Bri. How do you do it - and maintain such a high output and high level of quality?

[Corneac]

I stand behind her as she writes and whip her...lol....

[Lubesh]

I am glad i didnt catchthis one till the revamp ...u do tend to be more rigid and as sy says it takes away the sense of ur overall work.....keep bending. Aside that this shows how strong and bold ur poetry gets each time....amazing!

[Venomous Vixen]

Lu and Rick, thank you very much. Haha and yes, keep bending and... I don't know, I just write?!

Chris - shhhh!