[Corneac]

You told me once,
that when with him – you never thought of me,
it was only presence, my eye glazed with pretence,
that you felt something – what…I’m not sure of,
guilt, affection, pity or whim,
something deeper than darker water,
for I was never quite him –

I am me, quite simply,
based on jagged metaphors,
I’m like a cliff without a sea,
no one to part me,
or eat me way,
with salt and sea spray,
that remind me – I’m mortal,

I could give you a metaphor
and thank you for your time,
the time that you bothered
not like right now,

but I wouldn’t say that to you
my metaphor is much too pretty –
like one of Winter, that boasts
the naked trees and exuberant breeze
that strips away leaves – with ice in its wake,
left to baby sit the branches,
that are long dead, too late,

that admires the icicles,
but not the chill they leave on your spine,
that lets snow dance on tiptoe
as a teddy and his innards,
fluffy and fun to play with,
and yet, ignoring the glass eye,
says nothing of the numbness,

I am numb now,
and I am broken,
not beyond repair – I never quite get there,
my ego’s much to big, to let you in that deep,

but as deep as you went, is as deep as I’m cold,
and it’s only mid-winter,
the branches are still bare,
and my metaphor is still yours,
not that you would dare,

[Rakkasan]

Before going on, please don't take this as all negative.

There are parts of this that I like very much; however, it is extremely difficult to follow the thought through when there is no proper use of punctuation. Even the comma at the end causes one eyebrow to raise.

I understand that this is "stream of consciousness", but really...

well, it would be easier to know where one statement ends and another begins. If you were speaking in a fast and continuous manor to someone, you would at least give the slightest pause to indicate a break in statements.

I suppose the lack of capitalization doesn't help the matter either. You begin with a capitalized word, and capitalize "I" throughout, but nothing else. If this were just streaming words through the keyboard, then why bother to capitalize "I", or add the first comma?

This could be much more effective, without changing a single word, by simply using some form of grammatical structure, even if it were not perfect.

Sorry if this seems too harsh. It's not meant to be.