[dearest]

.............................. ............................

I am content (there is
not one thing I would add or subtract)
here in your arms (nestled snuggly
feeling bundled, swaddled, safe and okay with being silent) on
the couch (it smells like smoke in a pleasant way) quietly letting the
tv drone on (about weather or touchdowns or Shakespeare’s
lost sonnets) and a lazy breeze fishtails through the open window (drifting
on currents, an afternoon trout lazy-ruddering with rice paper fins) catches
a piece of my hair (one lone curl, sunlight bringing out golds and reds it
kept hidden like a secret) onto your nose (a flaxen rope architectural, spanning cheek
to cheek) but you let it lie (your hand in mine, fingers entwined) just where nature
had it fall (leaves on trees outside, drifting on the trickling breeze)

.............................. ............................

[Vorcla]

Gaaahhhh! How do you do it, hun? The imagery is exquisite. I'd have to highlight the entire poem, but these stood out especially:

(nestled snuggly
feeling bundled, swaddled, safe and okay with being silent)

...and a lazy breeze fishtails through the open window (drifting
on currents, an afternoon trout lazy-ruddering with rice paper fins) catches
a piece of my hair (one lone curl, sunlight bringing out golds and reds it
kept hidden like a secret) onto your nose (a flaxen rope architectural, spanning cheek
to cheek)

I love the "countersong" effect (your parenthetical passages); illustrates two levels of perception there - internal and external.

Soft, sweet and pretty. Just incredibly "damned fine."

[dearest]

Thanks rick. ^_^ Yep, that's what I was going for. Yay! ^_^

[Nupur]

Yes, I completely agree with Rick here. I like how you tried something new by accentuating on both the internal and external perception by means of parentheses. Your imagery is exquisite and overall language highly fluid and evocative. I also love how you can read it without paying attention to the paranthetical phrases and it still remains beautiful. I loved it both ways... with and without parentheses. Truly enjoyable read. Very nicely done.

[dearest]

Thanks for digging this back up, Nupur. I was really hoping to get some feedback on this one, but, other than Rick's comment, it just sort of slipped under the radar, unnoticed. Glad you liked the parenthesis, just trying to experiment. ^_^ Thanks again for your comment!

[Gurdit]

Several comments.

Firstly, the form is a little odd. I'm very piqued by your line breaks. One theory I have is that you made them random because you probably didn't want every line ending with a parenthesis. Also, you probably didn't want it to be one long continuous paragraph (had you written it as prose). But those are just theories. Enlighten me.

Initially, the parenthesized text got irritating. But the problem with getting irritated is that what was within the parenthesis was generally too well done to remain irritated with. Your words and descriptions were fantastic. I was reading it, and thinking, "Well, I don't think I've ever written like that, and I don't think I'd ever write like that either!" This is with respect to your descriptions and your language alike. Brilliant job.

Throughout, the tone is perfectly done as well. It's not DREAMY, which is a good thing. It was very real, as if you were describing a moment you've shared with someone, a moment that kinda got imprinted in your memory with vivid detail. (Somehow, I get the feeling that it comes at least very close to a moment you might have shared).

Oh, and before I forget, I loved the title.

And finally, a comment that's typically me...this poem is more like a prosy poem, or rather, more like a poetic piece of prose. I, being the eternal fan of prose writing, would probably have done this with prose, but that's just my style I guess. Nothing wrong with how you've done it (because I really liked it), but I'm just saying. (Maybe I say too much, no?)

[Venomous Vixen]

One thing I have always loved about your work is the diversity of it - like a present waiting to be opened each one holds different offerings for the mind inside. You can tell by the time you take to perfect your form and overall presentation that you place special care on every piece you do, and it adds to the effect as well.

Now down to the actual content here. I must say - like Gurdit, I was a bit put off by the parenthesis at first, they are almost distracting, but as I got going and realized their purpose the flow picked up and it was almost as if they disappeared and my mind naturally adjusted.

It's clever, this piece, the way you state the simple and then complex thoughts one may have while sitting, reflecting on the little things that pass in silence and companionship. The line about the hair struck me in particular, and it is a thought I have often myself, amazing what a bit of sunlight will expose, colors you never even knew were there.

It is rare you disappoint, and this is not one of those rare occasions. Another masterpice, the tone, the words, the form, very well done and a pleasure to unwrap, as always

[dearest]

Thank you for your comments! ^_^

Gurdit - First: thanks, glad to pique your interest. ^_^ You were pretty much right; I didn't want it to feel to formulaic with internal observation/external obervation/line break - I just wanted it to seem like one long thought. Very fluid, like water flowing down steps.

Second: I was worried about that, but I'm glad it resolved for you. Just wanted to experiment a little bit, and I'm glad it worked out by the end. And thank you very much. I do try very hard. And you are an excellent writer, G, don't ever doubt that. I've read pieces from you that leaves my jaw on the ground.

Third: It was based on actual events. ^_^ That goes for the title too.

Last: That's the idea. I did want it to flow together like one long sentence, and I guess the result was rather prose-ish. But then that might just be the form. If I'd done the standard line break (unparanthesised line, paranthesised line, etc.), it might have seemed more like a poem. Anyway, thanks VERY much for your comments. ^_^

Bri - Thank you! I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am as a poet, so I'm pretty much just trying anything and everything that pops into my head. I love playing with different forms, as you can probably tell. ^_^ And I'm glad that the paranthesis issue eventually resolved. You put it really well: I was really hoping that they would start to "disappear" the more you read, the external and internal flowing into and blending with each other. Again, thank you VERY much for commenting, it is truly appreciated.

[Syrah]

If you were looking for more than one way to get the same effect, here is one that I'm rather fond of.. Reminds me of the voice in our heads. (Although I can see a lot of people preferring the parenthesis.. hmm. Well options, options )

I am content there is
not one thing I would add or subtract
here in your arms nestled snuggly
feeling bundled, swaddled, safe and okay with being silent on
the couch it smells like smoke in a pleasant way quietly letting the
tv drone on about weather or touchdowns or Shakespeare’s
lost sonnets and a lazy breeze fishtails through the open window drifting
on currents, an afternoon trout lazy-ruddering with rice paper fins catches
a piece of my hair one lone curl, sunlight bringing out golds and reds it
kept hidden like a secret onto your nose a flaxen rope architectural, spanning cheek
to cheek but you let it lie your hand in mine, fingers entwined just where nature
had it fall leaves on trees outside, drifting on the trickling breeze

The writing itself is strong. The content equally as strong. The word use- phenomenal. The listings give this piece a dimension that would be missing if done differently. An awesome diversity of your work right here.

it smells like smoke in a pleasant way

This line reminds me of so many memories circling pipe tobacco smoke. The smell is wonderful. And I only have very fond memories regarding it. AHHH it is just as wonderful to think about as a nice cup of hot chocolate in front of a fire. mmmm.

[RENA HANDS]

I am certain that I have said this to no other writer (published or not already), but I think ur work as it has developed so much (in the short time I’ve known u),u or someone who knows u...should submit ur work(s) for a PULITZER!

To attempt a most appropriate comment of this post, would be insufficient.

I will however give my highest rating...5 of 5 (if that counts for anything.)

[Lubesh]

Very natty....and i'd say re your slot, an all rounder definitely and more so as you go experimenting. This was sjut so pleasant and different and impact....well it did. Amazing.

[dearest]

Well thanks everyone.

Syrah - I really like that too, the different sizes would be equally effective. Hmmm...if I ever have a rainy day when I finally get to my checklist of things to relook at, I might just change that. Thanks for the advice! ^_^ And yep, doesn't pipe tobacco smoke smell great? Everyone else thinks I'm crazy, but I'm glad you think so too. ^_^

Rena - Well wow! ^_^ ^_^ You made my day! ^_^

Lubesh - Glad you liked it! Thanks so much for commenting, I do love comments. ^_^