[JirQUEST]

Author's Note: It feels incomplete.

Have you ever had
Difficult times in your life
When there was no help

You turn to yourself
Giving up is not your game
You fight but you lose

Problems keep coming
Wave after wave of despair
And you realise that

You are caving in
Mental lethargy fills you
You feel like crying

Society says
It's wrong to cry like a girl
Thus you hold it back

You attempt a smile
But time goes by and you frown
Merely tears you say

And you let it flow
Only a moment's relief
But you feel the peace

You see that it's life
You force yourself to go on
Never losing hope

[BookWhale***]

Hum... pretty good... What is with socitey! Gosh! A sexist community we live in!

[Ryankia]

interesting....

interesting...

[Storiesmaniac]

i like it, but i dont agree. I havent cried since i was very young and i dont think there is any need to. But that is just my personal experiences coming out.

[Dark Kitten]

I liked it, very thoughtful. A itsy-bitsy problem with the transistion between stanzas 3 and 4 with the continuation that wasnt used anywhere else but it definitely wasnt a deal-breaker for me. Good job overall. DK

[JirQUEST]

did i miss these comments or what? thanks pple

[starfish_story]

ok first comment.

anyway, here's a suggestion since u felt it was incomplete. i wouldn't say its a good suggestion, im just saying it off my head.

But life turns around
With a dagger in her grasp
And your hands are bound

All would turn out well
You hoped, but tears are abound
Defeat you announced

ok i re-read it. it sounds weird. =\

[theseus]

It reminds me of the standard "how are you doing?"
Many people will say fine or great, even though they're not. I'm not sure I know of anyone who would say he's doing terrible when he isn't, unless that person is calling in sick when they aren't.

[BookWhale***]

I think it is complete.

[Lost Snail]

Ok forgive my arrogance, but since you said it felt incomplete I'll just show you what I'd do with it

Originally Posted by JirQUEST

Author's Note: It feels incomplete.

Have you ever had
Difficult times in your life,
When there was no help?

You turn to yourself-
Giving up is not your game
You fight but you lose.

Problems keep coming,
Wave after wave of despair
And you realise that

You are caving in-
Mental lethargy fills you
And you feel like crying,

But society says
It's weak and wrong to cry.
Thus you hold it back,

You attempt a smile
But time goes by and you frown.
Merely tears you say

And you let it flow,
Only a moment's relief-
But you feel the peace;

You see now that is life
And force yourself to go on,
Never losing hope
Of what there is to come.

[JirQUEST]

but wouldnt that destroy the haiku structure?

[Lost Snail]

Yes I suppose so, but when you're taking the haiku structure to 8 verse pieces I think you're allowed to play about a bit Oh yes, and I forgot to say how much I liked it.

[JirQUEST]

hah. fair enough! thanks by the way

[Syrah]

I agree with you Jir, it feels incomplete. However I would keep it a Haiku. If I have any thoughts I'll send them your way. So far so good.

I don't think it was really missing anything, kind of optimistic towards the end there (which I was hoping for), and I know where you're coming from with this. Well put, well said, well written etc etc etc.

Beginning to like these chain Haiku's, a good amount of skill is needed to pull these off, and you've succeeded in this.

[dearest]

The haiku was achieved well, but what I like best was the overall message and how it was conveyed. You just don't read about it much, and I appreciate the candor. Great piece.

[Lubesh]

Being able to carry that over for eight verses without a strain for the sake of it, is quite something too....well done.

[Ryankia]

It's wrong to cry like a girl

I think you could probably rephrase this line differently and still convey the same message. With reading it through, this cliche just seemed out of place to me. :-/

But as always, Jir = Master of Haiku

[squattaz]

I like it, especially because almost any reader in a state of despair can connect with what is being said. The bit about challenging society's ideas resonates as well. A good piece....

[130993st]

i was really good. The begining was very catchy