[LullabyHearts]

And the violin played

The feverish love rapidly heating, the bodies twirling
Her poise looked brightly, her eyes screamed out seductively
His mentality dangerous, his scheme murderous

The gun in place, the blood in lace
Death lingers with emotion in her final position
His lips curled in delight laughing powerfully at the sight

The door swings open, the door swings shut
The lover enters as the knight in shiny armor
He was at her side in one stride

Their betrayal was only fit for a tale
The secrets untold by the betrothed
He should've seen how their love was serene

The lover turned to feel a burn
The gun in place, the blood in lace
Falling down on top of her, his face not in a frown

Down at his toes he saw his foes
Their hands intact he had to react
The gun in place, his blood in lace

And the violin played

[Venomous Vixen]

Haruna-

I am so glad you stuck this one out and wrote it until it's finish. It is marvelous, with the opening and ending lines painting the scene like a story. I love the turn of "the blood in lace" to "his blood in lace" and the rhyme is not overdone here either. I hope to see more out of you after this one!! Wonderful work.

[LullabyHearts]

The "his blood in lace" was a last minute choice. Her own blood was in her lacy outfit. And then when the lover dies close to her, his blood is on her lace. And then when the first guy dies he's in her lace as well.

I'm extremely proud of this poem. I've never put so much dedication in a poem before. I'm glad my hard work shows.

And I'm glad the rhyme isn't over done! I was extremely worried about that.

[BrokenParadox]

Lovely HaruHaru ^_^

I loved the "the gun in place, the blood in lace" lines as well. Great descriptions, though the poem as a whole seemed slightly choppy and off. Maybe it's just me, since I like rhymes and patterns, but it didn't seem to flow very well.
Think about rhyming more Haruna! You make such lovely pieces.

[dearest]

Hey Haruna! Okay, constructive criticism first. I told you that those half-rhymes were going to drive me mad, especially right next to perfect rhymes: untold/betrothed right next to scene/serene? Gah! Structure also bothered me a bit. In staza two, the first line doesn't rhyme internally and the second and third do. That's fine by itself, but in the rest of the poem, I think that all the stanzas were meant to rhyme internally. Confusing, and it throws the piece off track. As for meter, I know you don't like it, but you should really consider using some sort of rhythm in your next piece. It does make the poem more reader-friendly.

Now, this is the part where I gush about all the stuff I liked. I loved the whole story-telling element of the poem, and especially the repeating line "the gun in place, the blood in lace". I really like the whole story interwoven into the poem and would like to see it fleshed out in a seperate piece. Wouldn't that be so fun to write? Okay, that's all for now. Lovely as always, Haruna. Great piece!

[LullabyHearts]

I completely agree with both of you as a whole its not completely finished but I really needed to put it out and get some opinions. This is my first poem I've actually put more time and dedication into. I kind of changed it several times, the point of the whole poem.

And yes, I've always wanted to write a full out story just like this and the poem reinspired me as well.

Thank you, thank you both. Your input helps most definitely.

[SeaN]

wow Haruna this is well done! I really like all the internal rhymes and half-rhymes; very interesting form. I agree with Bri; the repetition of that single line works really well- and although I'm not sure I totally understand the meaning, it's a very cool line.

Nice work!

[LullabyHearts]

Its a murderous love triangle

And compared to all my other pieces I think this is amazing.

Thanks for commenting Sean. Even after many of our...disagreements. Haha.

[Lubesh]

It was only after I got into the poem that the fist verse stood out.


The feverish love rapidly heating, the bodies twirling
Her poise looked brightly, her eyes screamed out seductively
His mentality dangerous, his scheme murderous


With better use of grammar and not so many connectors which seldom do poetry much good in terms of peotic stuff i rejigged this abit to show you

Feverish love rapidly heating bodies, twirling
Posided and bright, her eyes screamed secudctively
His mentality, dangerous, his scheme, murderous

Taking one line - her poise can't 'look brightly' looked bright would be grammatically correct, but saying that a poise can't 'look', which is what ur sayng really.

On the whole though it was a good effort.
This line also

Falling down on top of her, his face not in a frown

This line seemed awkward wording/cluttered and there must be abetter way to get across what u mean

Falling down on top of her, his face no frown it bore/wore
without a frown
smoothed, no frown

The lover enters as the knight in shiny armor

...'as the' makes it seem like a script instruction.

The lover enters, the knight in shining armour....???

But nice to see somemore stuff from you.

[LullabyHearts]

Thank you very much for you input, Lu! It was extremely helpful.

[Lubesh]

Oh good....never know whether its good or bad but couldnt let u go on oblvious to other opinion..good or bad!

[LullabyHearts]

Everyones opinions will definitely help me with my next poem. Which I really hope will be even better then this one. Its a slow but good process this "learning to love poems"

[lizmarienv]

I really enjoyed this, mostly the last line, it's like something out of a black and white movie

[LullabyHearts]

The "and the violin played" line?

Yes it really stuck with me as I was writing the poem. I wanted my audience to get this whole old fashion love affair feel for the whole thing.

[Gurdit]

I definitely did get the old-fashioned love affair feel with the violin line.

The thing about poetry is that sometimes, I hate following a particular rhytm/meter, and the poem ends up being really much better that way. This could be the case with this poem, because I liked the rhythm quite a bit.

The first stanza bothers me a bit, though... rather, it confuses me. I get the feeling that the woman is already dead or on the verge of dying as the man is about to shoot her. But I don't understand why the feverish love is rapidly heating, or why the bodies were twirling. The image is get is of the man about to shoot her, and by the time the lover comes in, either the woman is already dead or just about to be shot. The rest of the poem made sense to me, and I really liked it

['Ginnis]

I love this piece Steph, LOVE IT!

[LullabyHearts]

Tidrug I get what your saying, I think I started out with one idea and ever so slightly it went off to another.

but in the beginning it was supposed to show this "played on love"

And Kara, thank you ^.^