[Alex]

They say we should be true;
to what is really ours.
But why, may I ask, are we lost in cowers.

When we cry, we need satisfaction;
As if we crave something more than a fraction.

It's a fraction, I dare say, of what we wish to become;
for, truly, in our minds we damage much more than the sun.

Is insanity a drug, for I perceive it as such;
or could it be a window to a world we know, not so much.

Sometimes I try to remember, what I'm on the border of forgetting;
And other times I wonder,
why its here;
and why its beating.

[Phonoho]

are we lost in cowers.

You can sometimes get away with using a verb for a noun, but this choice seems awkward and clearly tacked onto the end for the sake of rhyme only.

or could it be a window to a world we know, not so much.

End rhyme should either be unobtrusive, like a smooth bridge to the next line, or it should make a bold impact as it accents your point, nailing it to the wall. It may be best if you didn't rhyme at all.

Your mood here seems a little vague and ponderous so I can't get a clear picture of just what it is you are pondering.
I found this to be heavy with end rhyme, distracted thoughts and needful of more clarity of purpose and intent.

[Corneac]

Nice poem. But really any one can create a "nice" poem...what we really yearn to create as self-proclaimed "poets" is some-thing breathtaking - something so mind-blowing, a perfect conjunction of rhyme rhyme, flow and concept that it leaves the reader in awe,, struck by a unique take, feeling etc.

Its a fraction, I dare say, of what we wish to become;

needs an apostrophe

Like...Phonoho said, it seems to lack real intent. A clear unveiling of idea…more a musing fo words that doesn't really communicate much to the reader.

Now, I know your new here - and I may be coming off as harsh. I would try using no rhyme...it shouldn't seemed force it just doesn't work and I think it would suite your ponderous style.

Welcome to the site...and keep writing mate.

[squattaz]

is this a poem about politics?

[dearest]

Nice poem, very ponderous. I'm usually partial to open-ended poetry left up to reader interpretation, but I would have appreciated at least some hint of what exactly you were getting at. Another small thing:

Sometimes I try to remember, what I'm on the border of forgetting;
And other times I wonder,
why its here;
and why its beating.

Did you have any particular reason for choosing the line breaks that you did here? Actually, I was a bit confused by the organization of the piece altogether. Stanzas seem a little haphazard.

Well, that all. Nice piece, mate, and welcome again to the site. I hope you'll take some of this advice to heart, because you've got the makings of some fantastic poetry here...you just need a little focus. Looking forward to seeing bigger and better things from you in the future!

-Fire

[Alex]

The poem here is a glued together puzzle but the peices are out of order. I began writing it in a classroom last year when the teacher was explaining some restrictions my principal had issued for the punishment of all of us for the actions of a few.

I didnt finish it and then began the rest of the day whenever I had ime. Didnt think much about the way it was supposed to fit together, just put them there.

I should have thought more about it before i posted it but I didnt and, alas, it didnt turn out like I wanted.

When I read it now, I can see every flaw that was substituted in place of what I meant to say.

it is still written in the style I have gained but the words are wrong.

[Corneac]

Re-reading this, this stanza actually stood out:

"Sometimes I try to remember, what I'm on the border of forgetting;
And other times I wonder,
why its here;
and why its beating."

Fantastic, really. I loved the ambiguity, and the last line. you've definitely got a poetic voice, I can't wait to see you perfect it.

[Alex]

When I reread it as well, I found that that was the only stanza that I particulary liked.

[Peppy]

Well, well, well, I have to say that's pretty impressive. I have to say you have a strong voice. It wasn't difficult to know thet emotions you presented into the poem. This is a good, hidden treat.

But...but the usage of semicolons isn't necessary. Semicolons are generally used "between two clauses not connected by conjunction but too closely related to call for a period."

Originally Posted by Alex

They say we should be true;
to what is really ours.
But why, may I ask, are we lost in cowers.

When we cry, we need satisfaction;
As if we crave something more than a fraction...

Let's look at the first verse. Tell me, do they sound related? No. It sounds like one whole clause(thought).

Yours:

They say we should be true;
to what is really ours.

The way it should be:

They say we should be true
to what is really ours.

The second verse is a bit more tricky, right? Of course it is.

When we cry, we need satisfaction; <-----This is the main clause
As if we crave something more than a fraction...<---and this clause helps put more description into the main clause, or it backs it up. Therefore, the semicolon isn't necessary.

It should just look like this:

When we cry, we need satisfaction,
as if we crave something more than a fraction...

(The third box is messy, so you're going to have to forgive me for that.)

[Storiesmaniac]

Ahh see i like what peppys dont here...you would be wise to listen... nice work.