[LullabyHearts]

The subject is dark and I was inspired by my 55 piece a few prompts ago. I really wanted to expand the idea. This is my first 10 minute poem. I think it came out well. Now lets see if I can get this formatting correct. Well, got the formatting and it looks much cooler on my word document, but I would really like to post it up. If the format bothers you, please comment.

Knife held by fingers

An arm extended

The knife’s blade reflects

The arm, pale and scarred, ready

Two opposites connect

They create a new love

The blade slices across

An old wound reopens

Blood slowly trickles

Eyes of water stare
One fat drop falls

Devilish lips grin

Red and red meet

A kiss of sick love

She smiles, blood drips

Her arm tenses, blood rains

The taste metallic

She licks her arm clean

The knife held by fingers

An arm extended

[Vince]

I like that. I already said to you I love the format. Now for the poem itself. It has a nice narrative and flow. I enjoed the fact that the last lines reflected the first lines.

In general, I think if not your best, one of the best. One thing thoough. Given the format, I'd enjoy if you had played a little more with repetition like you did with the last lines. But still, good work.

[dearest]

You pretty much already know my opinions of this (which always makes commenting on your poems on SM so hard!), but I will say that I liked the formatting better on the paper too. But still, I like the added visual tag, the sharp edges, the repetition of the two slanting lines and the climax stanza in the middle. Lovely.

[LullabyHearts]

Thank you, both of you. I appreciate it, very much.

[Rain]

I have to say it made me feel sick, I guess that means you got your point down pretty down pat. It was good, I'm not saying it's not. You definitly have this dark stuff down. I mean that was nasty as hell. But yeah... good job I guess

[Venomous Vixen]

I love this one haruna. The expansion from the original did well here and as the others have said, the format was fresh and worked so well from the reaching out to the coming back in. Also, you touched on something that plagues society these days and that alone did it for me. Don't give up on your poetry, I see more and more improvement with every piece. Very nice work!

[LullabyHearts]

Oh thank you thank you thank you ^.^

[Vorcla]

Hmmm. Yes, it DOES taste "metallic." Scary - but excellently executed. I like the format, too.

Rick

[LullabyHearts]

My grandma thinks I'm disturbed after reading this poem. She thinks I cut myself. Yet my ventral forearm is smooth and scarless!

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by LullabyHearts

My grandma thinks I'm disturbed after reading this poem. She thinks I cut myself. Yet my ventral forearm is smooth and scarless!

Hehehehehehe! Dorsal forearm, too, I trust?

[LullabyHearts]

Whaaaaat? I'm in anatomy and physiology!

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by LullabyHearts

Whaaaaat? I'm in anatomy and physiology!

Don't look at me! I'm an English Composition and Writing instructor. I "survived" A&P - got a B-.
Should have been a C, but my Prof., Dr. Amanda Carson, seemed to think I was cute!

[dearest]

Urgh, don't get me started on Anatomy stuff. We've got a test tomorrow Steph, and it ain't gonna be pretty. (And now the worst segway of all time) Unlike Metallic Taste, which is quite lovely. Very glad that you submitted this. I've always liked this one. ^_^

[Johnny_beatz]

Personally I thought it showed a great subject that the reader can almost experience just from reading. On a short note I loved it =}

[LullabyHearts]

Yeah, I still feel miserable today...so I guess I'm taking the test on Monday. >.< I'm gonna be so behind.

And submit? You mean to stories? Or for that contest?

[dearest]

Didn't you use this one for one of those contests? Or did you chose the apple/oranges one?

[LullabyHearts]

I haven't actually submitted it. its between those two. But I fear this is too dark.

[Corneac]

Woo...how'd I miss this one? Very effective Haruna, and kudos to you for taking on such a vivid and controversial ubject with such truth. Loved the shape, and the affect of the words, you descriptors especially were amazing. Your quite the poet Haruna, I wanna see some new stuff!