[LullabyHearts]

My broken flesh bleeds;
human nature rendered new…
…and he stole my life.

Beauty reflects clear,
the goddess of death awakes;
my time to kill now.

The carcass pieces
stuck between my white teeth;
blood falls down my face.

His broken flesh bleeds;
human nature rendered new…
…and I stole his life.

[dearest]

Ah, vampire poem. I like the circular effect of the repeated first/last stanza. However, I think you were going for a 5-7-5, and you miscounted line two of stanza 3 (only 6 syllables). Substitute between for inbetween? Still, a lovely, dark, vampiric poem.

[Gurdit]

Ah, this one is nice. Mostly because of the first and last stanzas. I haven't counted your syllables, so you'll have to take fire's word for it.

Apart from that, the structure is quite good.
I like the ellipses in the first and last stanzas as well.

Just a couple of things that bother me a bit:

1. "the carcass pieces" - just doesn't sound right, somehow. A carcass immediately brings to my mind an image of a dead (and perhaps rotting) body. Do vampires attack dead bodies?

2. "goddess of death awakes" - I think it's supposed to be "awakens", but I guess it's alright to use this under poetic license. Just wanted to know whether you used it like that on purpose or was it a typo?

[LullabyHearts]

Yeah, oops. I meant to change that line's syllable count...but I forgot. Darn. And yes I was debating between awakes and awakens. And, oooooops! Now that you meantion it...carass doesn't work, but it sounded cool. Hm...I'll have to substitute it for something better.

[Alex]

I think it was really good. If you think in another manner, it could also show plain cannibalism instead of just vampires, (flesh between her white teeth.)

I like the way you describe it as human nature though. I dont quite understand one thing, is she getting revenge?

[Rain]

I thought it could have gone either way between vampire and cannibal also. At 1st I thought it was cannibalism. Considering the 3rd stanza
"The carcass pieces
stuck between my white teeth;
blood falls down my face"

But it was well written overall. But I think you can improve it.

[Corneac]

Wow. I like that, 'specially the contrast of the first and last stanzas. Vampiric. Look who' a the poet aye? Awesomely done Haruna.

[LullabyHearts]

Why thank you, very much. I wrote this awhile ago. But I was on a spree of posting and it got overlooked. HAha.

[Storiesmaniac]

Very nice steph, i guess all the issues i had with it have been adressed. I thought it was clever the cyclic pattern... Keep writing you punk

[LullabyHearts]

I really like cycle pieces, I love trying to connect back to the beginning.

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by Alex ;

...it could also show plain cannibalism instead of just vampires...

Or...it could be werewolves. Just my two cents. According to folklore, except for silver bullets, only a werewolf can kill another werewolf. "Carcass" would work then, too.

Whatever your critters are, Steph, this was awesomely done. I don't know beans about syllable counts, but I like the way it reads. Nice job!

[LullabyHearts]

woot. i'm glad this works for so many creatures of the night.

thank you so much.

[RENA HANDS]

Is this meant to be a Haiku? I was paying specific attention to the count, but it looked familiar to me. The imagery was Marvelous! I stand on edge with your third stanza. Creepy, very sinister! But I always support creepy when it entertains but doesn’t push the lines of grotesque. I happily give 4/5!

[LullabyHearts]

it probably is a haiku style, I wrote this during my haiku phase.

Whats it mean when it says [PICK] ??

[Gurdit]

I think it means that it's been picked to be featured in the Newsletter.

[Storiesmaniac]

It means that the legendary newsletter master picked as a stand out peice...oh wow...crazy that was me

[LullabyHearts]

This is a stand out piece? Cool!

[MindsEye]

I had an entirely different vision with this piece than everone else. Beyond the surface deeper emotions... revenge maybe. Not just "life" was taken here. Maybe life meaning dignity in the first stanza. And in the last..maybe yes then physical life. I do see the connection to vampirism or cannibalism if the piece is taken for its literal meanings.

The beauty of artwork sometimes lies in the preception not in its physical structure or composition. The message... and the words... the paint, the color, and the light. Great work here no matter how you see it.