[thelma&louise]

Tick tock, chimes the clock
"It's time, it's time," they say.
You're led by shackles to your doom;
for all your sins you'll pay.

The steps ascend, wooden, rotten;
"Go back, go back," they creak,
As you slowly climb toward your fate,
mouth too dry to speak.

You're standing there, your head is lowered;
"It's over, it's over," you sigh.
The secret's revealed, your game is up;
they're all there to see you die.

Like hungry wolves, animals, beasts,
"It's him, it's him," they stare.
The vulgar stench of rusting metal
is indeed too strong to bear.

The executioner steps forward, lifts his axe,
"Do it, do it," they pant.
Last thing you hear as you part this life,
is how for your death they sang.

Finally then, it's all over,
"He's dead, he's dead," they cheer.
For all this time that you were there,
they always lived in fear.

-Chris/Alien.

[Gurdit]

Haha, Chris, I gotta tell you, I'm not really a big fan of poetry because it leaves me feeling a little violated in the head, but this is really good.

I don't enjoy a lot of poems, but I certainly enjoyed this one. I like the semi-repetitious second lines of every verse. It gives the poem a musical quality and I've always been a sucker for a bit of musicality in poetry.

I'm not one to go into the technicalities of poetry. I don't enjoy that. So I won't comment on it. If Nupur comments, she'll probably give her opinion on that stuff.

A few of the lines were killer, but in order not to bias other readers and to make it more interesting for you, I'll let you guess which ones.

PS: meowr

[Nupur]

This is the first poem of yours that I am reading Alien, and you’re very good! Nice onomatopoeic device in the beginning. That was a very good start. The rhymes were strictly ok, but you can do a lot better. For example:

The executioner steps forward, lifts his axe,
"Do it, do it," they pant.
Last thing you hear as you part this life,
is how for your death they sang.

I like the fact that you did not force it here. But it till reads a little awkward, mainly because of the placement of the words in the penultimate line. And the last line too. The assonance more than makes up for the lack of rhymes though. Good thinking there. Clever thing to do.

The repetition is carried out well, but it does get a bit too much in a few places. But since that's your form (repetition in second line) you can't really help it. You did good keeping to the form you had decided.

I like the theme. The content is good. It's the same old death concept but presented in a new way... old wine in a new bottle you could say. You gave it your own touch by writing the entire thing in second person, addressing your audience. Commendable work there.

Overall I like this. It's a brilliant effort and really really good. I particularly adore this line:

The vulgar stench of rusting metal

Very nice description. Incredibly evocative. Nice work, Alien! Now keep writing!

[thelma&louise]

Originally Posted by tidruG

I'm not really a big fan of poetry because it leaves me feeling a little violated in the head

Lol, like how?

A few of the lines were killer, but in order not to bias other readers and to make it more interesting for you, I'll let you guess which ones.

PM them to me! -laughs- Jk (not really), I'm ego-tripping. XD

PS: meowr

Woof!

Hehe. Thanks for commenting! ^_^

Originally Posted by Nupur

Nice onomatopoeic device in the beginning. That was a very good start.

I don't know what onowhatchamacallit means, but it sounds like a compliment, so thanks. XDD

And the last line too. The assonance more than makes up for the lack of rhymes though. Good thinking there. Clever thing to do.

I KNEW there was something really wrong there...especially the first line in that stanza.

The vulgar stench of rusting metal

It's my favorite!

Very nice description. Incredibly evocative. Nice work, Alien! Now keep writing!

Thanks, Nupur! I'm not so great at reviewing poems myself, but the way you do it...wow. I'm gonna go check out some of your stuff now. ^_^

[RENA HANDS]

I applaud the imagery and emotion, which I mostly do anyway.

What about…You’re standing there, your head lowered (taking out ‘is.)

What about…It’s time, time,’ Go back, go back, (can’t change that one.)

It’s over, over,’ It’s him, him,’ Do it, do it, (again, can’t change that one either.)
He’s dead, dead.’

Here…Last thing you hear as you part this life, is how for your death they sang. (This whole sentence reads awkwardly.)

What about…Your last (final) cries as you depart, is for your death they sang. ?

What about…
Lastly, it’s all over,
He’s dead, dead, they cheer(ed). Are the tenses correct; is it present tense or past?

Again, many applauses to your imagery and sentiments illustrated. The rhyme was well executed too. I give 4/5!

[Rain]

It really felt like I was reading a nursery rhyme, rythm wise and all. And I liked it, it was like a dark tune almost. And the quotes like "he's dead he's dead" really helped it flow along. It was fun to read I must say. But I will point out this stanza because it messed flow up for me, but maybe that's because I was keeping a tune in my head

"The executioner steps forward, lifts his axe,
"Do it, do it," they pant.
Last thing you hear as you part this life,
is how for your death they sang."

That stanza needs some work I think.

Chris/Alien(why are you called Alien?) I really liked this one, it was truly a joy to read, even though most of the poems here are good, I don't usually get a kick from them like I did with this one. Very nice job

[Vorcla]

Ah, this is nice. I don't claim to be an expert, even though I've allegedly written some "attempted poems," but I know what I like. I like this - a lot. I especially like the repetition in the dialogue. Nice choice of words too; very vivid picture. Good job.

[thelma&louise]

Thank you, Rena, for the thoughtful review. I'm going to seriously think about what I wanna change, especially the penultimate stanza; everyone seems to have a problem with it lol. XD As did I, but I hoped no one would notice haha.

Originally Posted by Altair

It really felt like I was reading a nursery rhyme, rythm wise and all.

Lol. "Nursery rhyme," wasn't what I was going for, but I'll take what I can get.

why are you called Alien?

A friend of mine dubbed me Alien. Since I'm lazy and tired right now, it's mentioned in our authors' profile.

I really liked this one, it was truly a joy to read, even though most of the poems here are good, I don't usually get a kick from them like I did with this one. Very nice job

thank you, Altair! ^_^

Originally Posted by Vorcla

Ah, this is nice. I don't claim to be an expert, even though I've allegedly written some "attempted poems," but I know what I like. I like this - a lot. I especially like the repetition in the dialogue. Nice choice of words too; very vivid picture. Good job.

Thanks, Rick! I'm not an expert either lol...I started writing poetry around mid-2007, so I'm very...eh. So that's great praise coming from such a fantastic writer like you. Thanks!

[Rain]

Originally Posted by thelma&louise

Lol. "Nursery rhyme," wasn't what I was going for, but I'll take what I can get.



A friend of mine dubbed me Alien. Since I'm lazy and tired right now, it's mentioned in our authors' profile.



thank you, Altair! ^_^

I'm weird so don't take notice to things weird things I say, such as "Nursery Rhyme" . btw you can call me Tay

[Nupur]

Onomatopoeia means using words that show sound. Like tick-tock would show sound coming from a clock. Or ‘whoosh’ of waves. You know… check out a poem by Phonoho… written completely using onomatopoeia… should give you a clearer idea. It’s in the ‘Nature’ section I think. Sorry, in a hurry… can’t give you a link right now.

Again, this poem is very well done. Keep up the great work.