[thelma&louise]

It is what comes to all who live,
The day has come; tonight’s the night.

Forsaken, you’re taken, not knowing why,
You’re caught in a web full of tinted light.
Looking above you, your eyes grow wide,
You wiggle and wriggle but you’re tied.
Realization hits you;
knowing deep inside,
You are snuffed out of life,
It’s time for you to leave; goodbye.

[Nupur]

This is nice. The rhymes are sporadic but those kinda look fine here. I'm happy to see that you're playing around with selective capitalization, but it looks incorrectly done in a few places. Also, where the change in idea is big, I suggest using a semicolon and not a comma.

For example, this is how I would write this poem. Just my opinion. You don't have to change anything.

It is what comes to all who live,
The day has come; tonight’s the night.
Forsaken, you’re taken, not knowing why,
You’re caught in a web full of tinted light.
Looking above you, your eyes grow wide,
You wiggle and wriggle but you’re tied.
Realization hits you;
knowing deep inside,
You are snuffed out of life,
It’s time for you to leave; goodbye.

Overall, it's a job well done.

[thelma&louise]

Thanks, Nupur. I appreciate it.

-Sal.

[Rain]

Hey Sal, first off I have one small suggestion, you might want to change the capitilization at parts of this.

"It is what comes to all who live,
the day has come, tonight’s the night."

"Forsaken, you’re taken, not knowing why,
You’re caught in a web full of tinted light.
Looking above you, your eyes grow wide,
You wiggle and wriggle but you’re tied"

In the second set I put up 'You' and You're' are capitilized, I understand why they are, but I think they might be a little better off not being capitlized. I think it just might make the stanza look a little cleaner and therefore might enhance flow because I'm not gonna be looking back and saying "oh yeah it's capitilized" or some crap like that. I'm picky like that .

Now to the content, I really liked the ending, with 'Goodbye' it just seemed to nicely put in a way, and I liked how you did that. Rhyme scheme was nicely done, and the piece flowed throughout the entire thing. I liked some of your word choice and internal rhymes(!), internal rhymes are a bitch for me and barely can do it lol. Good job Sal, I really enjoy your work.

[thelma&louise]

Thank you Altair! I appreciate you took the time to go through this, I'll definitely look through it some more.

-Sal.

[Vorcla]

Nice impact - hits hard. I like the word choices. Also, I personally like the "sporadic" feel to it. It reminds me of someone who has come to the realization that he/she is dying; gasping for breath, they know there's nothing that can be done, and yet they struggle anyway. Nicely done.

Rick

[thelma&louise]

Thanks for the comment, Rick. Much appreciated.

-Sal.

[Peppy]

Well, I have to say that was a disturbing image of "death" taking a life. The whole thing was actually creepy. It's creepy because you made it seem like doesn't take an instant to die. Shiver. Your imagery was disturbing to me.

Now, the way the poem is arranged seems to be messy. It's not exactly pretty to look at. There seems to be something wrong with it.

The one thing I did learn about poems is that form is important to a poem, it, in my opinion, gives it a fingerprint - putting it to the left, to the right, centre, whatever you can do. You just need to get creative.

Bye bye for now.

I was going to suggest putting it to the right to look snippier somehow, but I'm not so sure anymore.

Originally Posted by thelma&louise

It is what comes to all who live,
The day has come; tonight’s the night.

Forsaken, you’re taken, not knowing why,
You’re caught in a web full of tinted light.
Looking above you, your eyes grow wide,
You wiggle and wriggle but you’re tied.
Realization hits you;
knowing deep inside,
You are snuffed out of life,
It’s time for you to leave; goodbye.

.

[thelma&louise]

Hey Peppy, thanks for the comment. I appreciate you taking the time to look through this. I'm not sure what you really mean, but I'm gonna look through it a little more. As for placing the poem to the right...I don't really like the way it looks, to tell you the truth. Maybe placing it in the center would look better.

[Lubesh]

Nice! Taking on an a,bitious concept idea and keeping it simple was the doer, short and to the point...well done.

[thelma&louise]

Thanks, Lu! ^_^