[Blink]

Bells ring, as kids scurry,
clouds drift in bringing their rain.
Nobody notices the young boy, feeling alone.

Bells ring, as teens walk away,
leaves fall, as autumn hits for the year.
No one sees the young girl, depressed,
secluded, and nobody speaks to her.

Bells ring, as young adults get back to class.
Snowflakes begin to sprinkle,
from the dark winter clouds lurking above.
Nobody sees the broken ones,
ready to crack completely,
and pour upon the ones ignoring them.

[Lubesh]

Hi,

I enjoyed this and especially the use of the flakes as a metaphor or even as an illustration...nice write.

[Blink]

Thanks Lubesh, I personally don't like this myself...I can't wait 'til I'm inspired again!

[Lubesh]

We can be our own worst criticslol helps soemtimes...dont stress just write...anything lol

[Peppy]

I like the piece. "If you get too complicated, you lose your audience." I'm not sure if that quote applies to poetry?

Anyway, the poem is interesting. I'm not sure how to interpret this. I'm thinking you're showing loneliness in childhood, teens, and young adults, but I'm starting to think you're showing how someone like this grows up to meet an unfortunate end. Or both!

I'm confused but interested in this. Indeed, I'm the person who just ravages something to get to the bottom . Hmmmmmmm...

[Blink]

Thanks Peppy, my idea for this one was to kinda base it on the idea of being bullied or abused by other kids, because I know I hear a lot of bad things, and the last line was kind of a sign that they've become somewhat killer...

Nobody sees the broken ones,
ready to crack completely,
and pour upon the ones ignoring them.

I saw a tribute to a school shooting, and I wanted to write about it, and stuff.

[Peppy]

Yeah, that's a serious topic. It could have happened to me, but I quit school because I thought I would go "crazy" or I was scared, but I don't care since I still got my lame diploma after years later. Hahaha.

Hmmmmmmm...

[Corneac]

Hmmm. I like this, the ending certainly provokes some thought. As a piece of social commentary it's well done, and I think all kids who have gone to school can relate to it. I enjoyed the use of season to show time passing, I think without anything much being done. It's true that too many kids fall through the cracks or even "crack".

as autumn hits for the year.

That was my favourite line, I'm not sure, I've never really seen descriptions that denote autumn "hitting" as usually summer and winter are the more extreme forms of season. Like the cold or heat hitting you. But then my mind went off into a tangent of leaves falling, and the word "fall"...and also what sort of frame of mind you would have to be in to describe such a mild season as autumn, "hitting" you, and it, ironically, reminded me of being a teenager.

Anyway, I'm rambling, I loved parts of this. But I felt you were skimming over something almost, like there was more you were going to give, but didn't. I can't wait to see more from you mate. Great poem, and even greater because of it's place social implications.

[Vorcla]

I like the theme and how you approached it, and the wrap-up that sort of hinted at an impending Columbine in the making. It was a little clinical in some spots - "...young adults get back to class." Might have been able to come up with something a bit more, uh, poetic than "young adults," maybe - I don't know. Maybe could have used a little more meat, but overall, well done; nice effort.