[thelma&louise]

You want to run away from your
tears and your horrors;
walking down a scarred street,
not wanting a tomorrow;
thinking you’re the only one with
all the pain and sorrow,
standing in an empty room,
not knowing who to follow,
looking around you’re-
nothing but a shadow.
All you see is the black in life,
the darkness and the peril;
resenting the coming second of a life you believe is hollow.
You try not to think back to your past,
all the grieving and wallows,
knowing it’ll drown you with phenomenal power.
There are yet more obstacles ahead;
That’s when you choke, no longer able to swallow.


-Sal.

[Nupur]

Ooh this is good stuff. I adore your rhymes. The rhyming couldn't have come easy and you've done a great job. The only think that brought down the level of this amazing poem was the repetition.

You want to run away from your
tears and your horrors;
walking down a scarred street,
not wanting a tomorrow;
thinking you’re the only one with
all the pain and sorrow,
standing in an empty room,
not knowing who to follow,
looking around you’re the only one,
nothing but a shadow.
All you see is the black in life,
the darkness and the peril;
resenting the coming second of a life you think is hollow.
You try not to think back to your past,
all the grieving and wallows,
knowing it’ll drown you with phenomenal power.
There are yet more obstacles ahead;
That’s when you choke, no longer able to swallow.

See what I mean?

I suggest:

looking around you’re-

A hyphen should be good there. Will do away with the repetition.

As for the 'think' repetition, you can replace the first one with 'believe' or any other synonym. Feel free to change it in any way you like.

I really like this one. Good work!

[Rain]

Hey Sal, this was very well done, and what I liked most about it was it's emotion, it seemed to just be filled with it as I was reading through it, really nice, and you definitly have a great poetic touch to everything(you and Chris) put together, seems to me you're naturals. It seemed to come very easily, just read very nicely, it flowed. Good job, Sal

[thelma&louise]

Tay Tay! ^_^ This is Chris. Sal says thank you! And I thank you, as well, for the compliments.

[LullabyHearts]

This made me think a lot about how I was in middle school. Happy on the outside, but feeling a bit like this in the inside. Great job at capturing that.

[thelma&louise]

Thanks, LullabyHearts. Glad you liked it!