[EternalPen]

My mind swirls,
My gut twirls,
My heart curls
And my true life unfurls.

Acceptance as told,
Takes a man, bold,
Because no one takes hold,
Of anything past "old".

Take a piece of my life,
One filled with strife,
As every man and his wife,
Picks up a knife.

A jab of pain,
A neat blood stain -
That's all the insane,
Want from my name.

Reject me,
Disrespect me,
So long as you don't accept me.

Take my hand,
Show me a good friend.

Take my hand,
Show me a good time.

[Lubesh]

I like this Timy, read neatly and often strong and and old voice. Regarding your comma ref before,they r used to seperate ideas, maybe lett us stop to pause to digest what ur saying and listing as with regards prose etc. Note after a line where the enxt begins 'And', there is none..i removed it. You can over use with prose and poetry jsut rules help you not. worth looking into sometime.

But, again, ncie.

[EternalPen]

Thank you. I appreciate your input regard getting this up and posted. ^_^

[Rain]

Hey EP, (This is Altair btw(I'll be posting that till people know)) got a few suggestions man.

Capitilization first off, you ended the lines with commas, so the next line doesn't need to be capitilized. Also I might suggest taking "neat" out of this line.

"A jab of pain,
A neat blood stain "

It's a good usage of the word but it seemd to break all flow for me, and I had to go back and read it again. That's for me, don't change it enless other people think so too, because I'm reading it without "neat" and it sounds almost too empty lol, idk, wait for a few opinions. Also the 3rd stanza did not work for me, not too much at least, just shaky near the end.

Now to the content, an interesting concept definitly, and I liked how the last 2 lines didn't rhyme, kinda added more closure than it would have. Loved the last 4 lines btw. The rhyming scheme was one that I don't see too often, and it really just read through nicely because of the sheme/pattern you chose. Pretty good job Eternal.

[The Druid]

Good work EternalPen.

I kind of just absorbed it. Well done.

[EternalPen]

Absorb.

I don't know why but I like that word.
ABSORBED.
=D