[Rain]

In an epic spiral, I see everything I love come crashing before me,
knowing that I’ve come to a complete stop, there is no moving forward,
I’ve come to realize that I’ve been abandoned, left to fend for myself,
all alone in a pitch black darkness that leaves me searching for a light.
But it is a light, that cannot be found.


This epic spiral is so perpetual and ponderable, confusing, and it hurts,
yet the pain is almost a sweet pain, one that I love to hate, and I hate to love.
I return to it, once I’ve escaped, because the sweetness of it I crave.
So, I go in circles, but I am never able to escape this spiral of self-destruction,
this self-destruction, that I insert myself into.

Therefore I am forever stuck in this epic spiral.
Please, please save me. Save me, from me.

[Rain]

This one has long as hell lines. Just trying it out.

[Lubesh]

Long as hell is good lol, but as i said nice styles ur experimenting with and well done for keeping at this.

[Rain]

Thanks Lu...

[Rakkasan]

Okay, Rain, don't go getting all fragile or anything, but I'm going to pull this one apart a little. Mostly because I like it so much that it's killing me not to; but also because I know for a fact you can nail this one down tighter than it is currently.

I'll be gentle.

Let's just take this in small steps... punctuation and dumping the repetitive verbage. I know you care about punctuation because you lightly tagged Lu for it.

Originally Posted by Rain

In an epic spiral, I see everything I love come crashing before me,
knowing that I’ve come to a complete stop, there is no moving forward,
I’ve come to realize that I’ve been abandoned, left to fend for myself,
all alone in a pitch black darkness that leaves me searching for a light.
But it is a light, that cannot be found.

It would appear that either lines 1 and 2 need to have periods at the end, after "me" and "forward", respectively; or, line 2 needs a period rather than a comma placed after "stop" as well as "forward". And, line 5 ought to have the comma removed altogether.

Originally Posted by Rain

This epic spiral is so perpetual and ponderable, confusing, and it hurts,
yet the pain is almost a sweet pain, one that I love to hate, and I hate to love.
I return to it, once I’ve escaped, because the sweetness of it I crave.
So, I go in circles, but I am never able to escape this spiral of self-destruction,
this self-destruction, that I insert myself into.

Line 6 might read a bit better as "This epic spiral is so perpetual, ponderable, and confusing; it hurts." Or, "This epic spiral is so perpetual, ponderable, and confusing that it hurts." Doing so would slightly press line 7 into "Yet, the pain is almost sweet. One I love to hate, and hate to love." In line 9, you may consider substituting "So, I go in circles, but I am never..." with "Going in circles, never able...". Line 9 could also end in a period. But then, line 10 is left hanging. Actually, line 10 is not necessary regardless since it only defines the nature of self-destruction. Perhaps there is something else that could stimulate the reader on line 10.

Originally Posted by Rain

Therefore I am forever stuck in this epic spiral.
Please, please save me. Save me, from me.

In line 11, there ought to be a comma inserted after "Therefore". And in line 12, the comma after "me" should be removed, and the final "me" ought to be "myself".

Okay, that may have stung just a little, but I swear on my mother's grave (she isn't dead ) that it was all done with the purest of intentions.

I know I'm not the poetic guru of the world. So, if you think I'm full of it, then toss this whole critique and tell me to bugger off. I won't bother you again.

[Rain]

No no, I appreciate you reviewing this, and that's not nearly as bad as some reviews I've had.. I'll take a much closer look at these later today probably. Especially the part about the ending. Thanks for taking a look

[The Druid]

First of all a big 'Well Done' to Rakkasan. I am sure an editor like you would serve SM well.

Rain, most of my issues with your effort have already been dealt with by Rakkasan.

I liked the "I return to it, once I’ve escaped, because the sweetness of it I crave." part.

"Therefore I am forever stuck in this epic spiral."

I strongly believe that words like "Therefore" shouldn't be used in poetry till the time they are completely unavoidable. Such words suck out the poetic feel. Try using some other synonyms and probably you'll see the difference.

Overall, it is a commendable effort.