[Rain]

What must I do to restore,
The once loved, the adored,
The old you, the one I fell for,
Not this cynical, bitchy, whore.

I disdain the cold hearted,
Egotistical woman you’ve become,
What changed? What departed?
Where did this person come from?

Quite frankly I’ve given up,
You’re a lost cause, I’ve had enough.

I don’t deserve this,
Honestly I’m just pissed
That you changed, dismissed
Our happy eternal bliss.

I’m walking away,
Slowly so you may see,
I no longer will pay,
For what you did to me.

Yes, I’m giving up,
Yes, I’ve had enough.

[Gurdit]

Not this cynical, bitchy, whore.

Maybe not your intended effect, but this line made me chuckle.

I’m walking away,
Slowly so you may see,

I also like this line because it makes sense. It would be the kind of thing that most people would do, because merely walking away is not good enough. Being noticed when you walk away is more important.


Tay, as an means of expression, this poem is brilliant. It expresses very clearly what you're going through or what you feel for this girl.

As a poem, I think what you could use to improve is a little bit of sobriety or sombreness. A poem that you might write to lament the change in another person (a change which has significantly dropped his/her image in your books) would be a lot more biting and effective, for the sake of poetry, if you sound like you're taking the high road. If you focus more on the changes and how that person's new avatar ill-fits him, rather than name-calling, such as "whore", I think the poetry still manages to remain dignified (for lack of a better word).

[Venomous Vixen]

It's amazing to see the growth we all go through as writers. I have not read a poem of yours in a while, and though I still see you there, you really have polished your skills immensely. The flow here was perfect for me, and though there were patterns in there you have branched from a standard one, even adding in a few two line stanzas in between. The emotion here was awesome, sad but you portrayed it well, anger and the feeling of being done with someone who is no longer what you thought, but also that melancholy feeling we get when we wish someone was who they used to be. You have always had killer endings and this was no exception. Personally, I would not change a thing. Great piece of poetry here!

[Rain]

Thanks guys, I just felt like venting and this kinda worked for me..I really do appreciate you guys taking a look, thanks a lot.

-Tay

[Vorcla]

The emotion here is effectively expressed. I think you're really starting to hit your stride as a poet.

I agree with Gurdit in that maybe refraining from name calling might be more effective. Sometimes a writer has to be careful that his piece doesn't come across as a "Look, I'm using dirty words!" rant. It can generate a little inconsistency, too - e.g.; you go from "cynical, bitchy whore" to "egotistical woman." A little jarring.

Originally Posted by Rain;

I don’t deserve this,
Honestly I’m just pissed
That you changed, dismissed
Our happy eternal bliss.

This seemed just a bit forced, although it did express the emotion you were going for.

Now, I don't want this to come across as a negative review, because it's not. If I were grading this, I'd give it a 92% - still an "A." It's just that you're getting so close to really breaking loose, and I thought I'd pass along what I saw as things that could help you make up that other 8%. And, of course, far be it from me to claim to be an expert, so you can take this all with a grain of salt. This is just what I noticed as a reader.

[Rain]

Well this is really at all anything I'd consider my best.. and yeah that line was kinda to bring a lighter side , I thought I'd be bitterly honest. Thanks a lot Rick for taking a look I truly do appreciate it.

-Taylor