[LullabyHearts]

The reflection, deep within me
appears in the mirror.
I angle the vial in my arm;
the injection altering me.

If she cared,
morphine wouldn't need to be
my new love.
If she'd tagged along,
I needn't watch her,
every night,
sleeping.

Everything would've been normal
like when my flesh melted,
from the blink of her eyes.
And the lapse of breath I had,
when she batted her eyes.

I think rejection has sent,
me into a meltdown;
what a waste of time.

Falling asleep,
disorientated every night,
because every time
I'm without her,
I'm chaotic.

[Miragedev]

i really like how the way it seems to rhyme. i dont usually read poems on love and drugs, but this is different. the ending had me seeing shadows of myself.

[LullabyHearts]

I don't usually write drug poems but I loved writing this. I love going to the dark side or the lovey side. I kind of hit both.

[Princess]

No offense LH, but this isn't one of your best poems I think.

If you read it outloud it's clumbsy and doesn't flow that well.

If she cared,
morphine wouldn't need to be
my new love.
If she'd tagged along,
I needn't watch her,
every night,
sleeping.

It seeems at times, like in this stanza, where you would make a new line, just to make a new line. I think it should go more along the lines like this:

If she cared,
morphine woulnd't need to be my new love.
If she'd tagged along,
I needn't watch her every night,
sleeping.

But then again what do I know, I just go off from reading it outloud. I could be totally wrong.

It's descriptive though. But it almost seems as if you wrote a short story into stanzas. Which could work for some poems but I don't think it quite works with this one. But I don't know maybe it does?

It's still good though.

[Phonoho]

Originally Posted by Princess

But it almost seems as if you wrote a short story into stanzas. Which could work for some poems but I don't think it quite works with this one.

It's still good though.

I
completely understand
and am
in agreement
with what you are trying to say.

We see
a lot of poems like this,
with no clear attempt
at poetic invention,
just odd line breaks
and random punctuation.

It's hard to know
what's on the mind
of a writer
who posts poems
that seem to be
little more than
journal entries chopped into

stanzas.

The best thing
to do
is just play along
with the poet's game
and critique it as best
you can.

[Venus]

Okay so question...who is the "her" to the person writing?

[LullabyHearts]

This is about a guy who really like a girl but she doesn't like him back, he because stalkerish and it leads to his meltdown and addicted to drugs. He knows he has a problem...but can't stop...

I don't know much about drugs and all, just to inform all.

So I just reread this and what the hell was I thinking with this stanza? Its horrible.

Everything would’ve been normal
like when my flesh melted,
from the blink of her eyes.
And the lapse of breath I had,
when she batted her eyes.

[dearest]

Hmmm...agree. Not my fav of yours either. Still, great description throughout. Now, to criticism: Stanza two is very choppy, as pointed out by Princess, and you've gone comma happy once again. Return of the Comma Queen! Oh how I shudder. Still, it's not bad poetry for an admittedly prose girl, so kudos to you for trying something new! ^_^

[Venomous Vixen]

Glad I came across this one Steph. I have to agree, not one of the best I have seen from you but there are some very complex ideas in there, given the right setting would be brilliant. I think you owe this one another round, seriously.

[LullabyHearts]

I completely agree I randomally just wrote it.
And haha! WOOHOO COMMA QUEEN! I thought I'd lost her a bit! I'd rather be Comma Happy then Comma Sad

Thanks for reading, both of you!

[jback]

I liked it and actually liked the choppiness. Poetic liscences allows you to write it whatever way u want to and its sort of a neat style. The meaning was good also, I havent read your other stuff yet, but good poem.

[LullabyHearts]

If you liked this, I highly suggest Metallic Taste!
Also, anything new is my better stuff.

Thanks for reading!

[Alex]

I understand that it is choppy but I sort of respect that. Choppiness, I dont think, is ever really bad it merely has its moments. I believe that poetry is allowed to be choppy because that was the way it was created, saying sentences in a choppy way. And, I agree with jback. Poetry can be written in any way or format that you want because its the way you like it and most people respect you for tying something new.

[Rain]

Good job Steph, you seem to have the darker love down. I liked the concept of as you said him liking her, but her not liking him back. And how he can't seem to stop liking her. It was good, but I have seen better from you. Also I have to agree with the majority here. The stanza work is a little off. Good job overall though

[LullabyHearts]

This was at the very beginning of my poetry work, but thanks for commenting. Glad to see the improvement has been evident.

[Storiesmaniac]

yeah sorry steph, i really didnt like this one. I think you have improved alot, and i also think if you wanted to you could fix this up alot.

[Corneac]

I liked the choppiness, but I think some fo images could ue some tweaking. i love your poetry - becuase you keep getting better and better, I think you could use these dieas and even some of these image and try again. It's very complex...and I could see you turning it into some breath-taking. Nice job Haruna. I liekd the flow, hard-hitting, alsomt like the angry thuds of stalker or soemthing...

I'm without her,
I'm chaotic.

Thumping. Desperate. Obsessive. I like it.