[in_absentia]

An elderly woman reminisces about her children.


It’s been twenty years
since their little faces
scampered past
my eyes.

I know where they are.
I get photos every year.
if you’ll look
Johnny never
seems to get older.

His brilliant smile
makes me cry
but, only with joy
but, only with joy.

Sandra’s much the same
in that her hair
hasn’t changed for
as far as I
remember.

It shimmers
and shimmers
in every frame.
Like it can
catch the air
and float away.

Oh, now look at me
I’ve taken your time
talking on for hours
yet I can’t recall
your name.

Not that it
matters. I won’t
remember to not
forget the second
that you tell me.

I often wonder
why Suzi never
comes. A block
or two of walking
can’t do a bit of harm.

She spoke so softly
I had to kneel
to hear that pretty
voice of hers.

There were days
her voice alone
carried me through
with an ease
that I had never knew
'til it swept me away.

I hope I’m not
boring you.
It would seem that I’m
something of a leaky
faucet.

Where even off
I’m on and pouring
out my very soul
to you. I’ve said
all this without knowing

your name. Your
name, I need.
Don’t bother with
what I said befo-

Jonathan?


-----

Awhile back I got a message saying I could post poems freely... If that's changed since then or if I mis-read it, I'll gladly have this deleted at submit it into the submit jar/box/thingy.

[Nupur]

This was fairly good, but it still needs a lot of work. You don't need to capitalize every new line. Go with the flow. Wherever you feel that there's a pause in your thoughts, put a period or any other appropriate form of punctuation there.

It’s been twenty years
Since their little faces
scampered past
my eyes.

I know where they are.
I get photos every year.
If you’ll look,
Johnny never
seems to get older.

His brilliant smile
Makes me cry
But, only with joy
But, only with joy.

Sandra’s much the same
In that her hair
hasn’t change
for as far as I
remember.

It shimmers
and shimmers
In every frame.
Like it can
catch the air and
float away.

If you want to accentuate on ‘float away’, I think you should put it in a different line.

Oh, now look at me
I’ve taken your time
Talking on for hours
Yet I can’t recall
Your name.

Not that it
matters. I won’t
remember to not
forget the second
That you tell me.

I often wonder
Why Suzi never
comes. A block
or two of walking,
Can’t do a bit of harm.

She spoke so softly,
I had to kneel
to hear that pretty
voice of hers.

There were days,
Her voice alone
Carried me through
With an ease
That I had never knew
'til it swept me away.

I hope I’m not
boring you.
It seems that I’m some
thing of a leaky
Faucet.

This stanza seems to be a bit off. "Some thing of a leaky faucet" bugs me. Maybe you could use some personification here?

Where even off,
I’m on and pouring
Out my very soul
to you. I’ve said
All this without knowing

your name. Your
name, I need.
Don’t bother with
What I said befo-

I don't think you need to capitalize the 'y' of 'your'. It's a continuation of the previous thought, and you're already emphasizing it enough by repeating it.

Jonathan?

I made a few changes where capitalization and line breaks are concerned, and at least for me, it flows better now. Of course, I'm no expert; this is just my opinion.

[in_absentia]

Hey, thanks for the comment Nupur. I should have time this weekend to fix this poem. I'll change the title when its revised

[dearest]

Actually, I quite like this one. I had a grandmother who talked just like this, hours and hours on end without realizing that you were staring at the clock the whole time...and then later when she's gone you wish you'd have listened. Anyway, that's the same sort of feeling I got from this. Beautifully communicated. Nupur's made some great points, and the only thing I would really add is the possibility of revising the slightly unusual line breaks in the second half of the poem. In the first half, line breaks are pretty straight forward, mostly breaks at the end of a phrase. The second half, though (starting with "not that it"), changes, breaking in the middle of thoughts, phrases, etc. Was this intentionally done to show the switch from memory to the present, or unintentional? For some reason, it distracted me. If the whole poem had been done one way or the other I don't think I would have had a problem with it. Anyway, it's a small detail, and entirely up to you. Do whatever you think is best. ^_^

Also, in reply to the note at the bottom, I got the same PM, and you can post wherever you like. No need to repost. Yay! ^_^

[in_absentia]

Dearest: Thank you for commenting on my poem. I have to apologize for not replying sooner: life always seems to get a hold of me at the worst times lol.

I wish I could say this was a real attempt to recreate some one's speech patterns but this was written during my creative writing class. It's hard to say what the topic was... I think it was someone reflecting on the past... but this poem just kind of sprang forth.

The change was intentional- I have this weird thing with trying to recreate speech patterns in writing and in the middle I wanted it to show how she was having a hard time remembering things. It was an attempt at foreshadowing the conclusion.

With my more recent writings... its seems like there is a heavy dived between people who like them and people who don't. I'm not sure if that's because I'm doing something "wrong" or just something that is so different (like phrasing and how/what i chose to describe) that it just rubs some people in the wrong way. I guess all I can do is keep experimenting and see what people have to say