| Notices |
![]() |
|
|
LinkBack | Thread Tools | Rate Thread | Display Modes |
| Sponsored Links |
|
||||
|
Re: Here it comes...
I think you could really benefit from reading this poem out loud to yourself. I say that because some parts are wonderful and they just glide off the tongue like they sprayed a line of WD=40 across it. Other parts just feel... dead and lifeless. If you add a syllable here, and take away one there though out your poem (paying attention to how it flows when read aloud) you'll greatly benefit considering you already have a lovely start to the poem.
for example: Both our lives are complicated, we don't have time to ponder. This thing will cause trouble, like it once upon a time did. <-- this line just gets bogged down because the flow isn't there... but If you change it to "Like once upon a time it did" IMO there is a world of difference to the stanza.
__________________
I am, how you say, Russian Guyovitch! Last edited by in_absentia; 11-07-2008 at 04:50 PM. |
|
||||
|
Re: Here it comes...
I have to agree with the comment above, reading your work back aloud is highly benificial to the overall flow of the piece. I must read mine 10-20 times before posting (with poetry) and at least 2 with prose. It helps you catch those little hiccups, add or remove punctuation and just perfect the piece. One other minor gripe...
Quote:
Other than all of that the content was striking... I enjoyed the feeling of the creepy crawlies, the slight suffocation here... it all fit really well with the overall theme and was delivered just right. Dirty, rotten secrets
__________________
"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
|
|
||||
|
Re: Here it comes...
ya know the feeling that after awhile you go back and read something and you completely hate it? Yeah, I have that with this one... thanks for the suggestions guys.
__________________
In the face of change, That's when she turned to me and said, "I'm not sure anymore..." Everchanging... |
![]() |
| Bookmarks |
| Tags |
| None |
| Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | Rate This Thread |
|
|