[Vince]

You're like the touch of the wind,
Like the whisper of the tides,
I cannot seem to be with you,
You're made of enduring fractions.
The hourglass is running short of sand,
Our time is limited.
Grab my hand and run with me,
Against the time, our enemy.

Promise me, promise me you'll come back to look for me
Promise me, promise me you'll be here when I return for you

You're like the dance of the flames,
Like the glow of the moon.
The leaves turned red,
The grass turned green,
But you are away,
You are in the depths of my soul.
Let me hear your voice,
Catch a glimpse of your figure.

You promised me, promised me you would be here for me
You promised me, promised me you wouldn't live without me

You're fading out,
Like an old photograph, like a forgotten fable.
I cannot seem to continue alone,
My will shattered.
The sea breeze told me you left,
That you'll never look behind.
I will always keep you,
In my dreams, close to my head.

You promised me, but you left
You promised me, but you fled

I promised to myself, I'd forget all about you
I promised to myself, I'd erase you from my heart

A broken promise, now you're gone
A beaten promise, now I'm alone

[Storiesmaniac]

Beautiful Love it! I even looks great hahaha nice work man! This is a stunner of a poem.

[Lubesh]

wow! and ur just getting into this u say?

This may be me and am tired but, ur use of promise here seems strange and it could be a language thing

I promised to myself

I would say 'I promised myself or I made a promise to myself.

But it is truly a wonderful poem and the intermittent snatches, the promises amid the constant flow of ur verses worked so well. Lovely, vincent.

[Ryankia]

You're made of enduring fractions.

Other than that line, everything flowed quite smoothly to me! Great piece Vincent! I can't wait to read more!

[Vince]

Tim - Ye, a dude suggested, I broke up the stanzas to make it more readable. Seems to work

Lu - Hmm, so Should I edit, missing the "to"? Btw you were correct. In greek you use a "to" after "promise" every time.

Ryankia - Thanks for reading yet another piece of mine!

All - Thank you, for your comments and advice. (oof is that all? Did it sound like an Oscar speech?)

[Lubesh]

If ur happy then leave it....i actually prefer it..I just pointed out for future ref re english and stuff.

[Vince]

Lol if you like then ok

[LullabyHearts]

Let me just tell you that first stanza was just...on spot BRILLIANT!

You're like the dance of the flames,
Like the glow of the moon.
The leaves turned red,
The grass turned green

Absolutely beautiful!

I will always keep you,
In my dreams, close to my head.

I'm reading, I'm loving, and then I'm laugh at "close to my head" Strangely put!

WOW! Ta-Sauce. This is seriously one of the best poems I've ever read. And by far on my top favorites. Wow, just...wow...so freaking amazing.

hay great poem i loved it i think it's one of my favorites well keep up the good work iight one love to you nd urs

[Vince]

Thank you jelly (i love your name), I'll try to keep up the good work

[Wordsmyth]

Awsome! Totally awsome, I can feel the sorrow with every promise. You know there are some poems that you read and then you think; Man I wish I had written that! This is one of those.

Very well done!

[Vince]

Thanks a bunch Word! It's really flattering hearing that. Thanks again, you made my night!

[Gurdit]

Vince, a really nice poem.
You seem to forget that English is your second language when you start writing, and that's absolutely amazing.

If this is one of your first few poems, it's even more amazing. When I started writing poetry, my poems were all pretty short.

[Vince]

Thanks tid, that's because I edit the hell out of them, before I post them and even then, the amazing editors of SM, will have a point or two to make. A big thank you to them.

Hello Vincent. Just meandered in here, and have been writing all of my life. Wanted to say that, dear Vincent, please ignore all of these people worrying about form and "what they would have said"....gross. What is poetic about souls such as those?? The line about "You're made of enduring fractions" ricocheted around my head and heart. I loved every thump it made. It's by far the most fantastic thing I have read on a site that seems mostly composed of High School sophomores with scars on their wrists. Good luck. Keep writing.

[Vince]

Thank you so, so much. Your comments are really flattering. Although I must say, there are better pieces in this site. Thank you again for your feedback.

[Hirak]

You're like the touch of the wind,
Like the whisper of the tides,

When you use the word "like" it is a simile, but when you can do without, then it is a deeper meaning. I remember reading this somewhere - compare -

Life is like a red red rose.

or

Life is a red red rose.

What I'm suggesting is the second line does not need "like" especially as it has been used in line 1.

Also use of "the" wind, "the" time needs to have a specific meaning, attritubuted to a special wind or time. Your poem should be just wind and time.

I dont understand whats with the grass turned green. It must have been written in a flow but editing is always required for such trivialties.

Catch a glimpse of your figure.

This line certainly hurts the flow because the word figure is pretty prosaic.

The continuity of the lines isn't very convincing. Two consecutive lines are often completely unrelated and not in the same context.

But you are away,
You are in the depths of my soul.

How do they go together at all? Especially why is there a comma after the 1st line? Anyway I wont go into punctuation, coz I dont believe much in that.

You're fading out,
Like an old photograph, like a forgotten fable.

Like number 2 must go.

I cannot seem to continue alone,
My will shattered.

They dont make sense unless you say my will IS shattered, or change the order of the lines.

Ok, I'll stop here, and say that the feelings this poem exudes is more than sufficient to hold the reader. So you don't have to a Wordsworth to write a good poem. Way to go

Hirak.

[Vince]

Hirak thanks a bunch for your comments and editing advice, I will edit some time, when I got more time. Thanks again mate