[Gurdit]

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Showing me truths you hide from all
A monster in your face I see
The monster looks just like me
Alone, frustrated, angry or hurt
Whiny, boring, rude and curt
Fists of hate and eyes of sorrow
Truths don’t heal, so lies I borrow
Broken heart, tired soul
Beg for freedom from lack of control
The face I see in the mirror is mine
But hark! It could very well be thine.


Poet's Note: This poem is called Mirror II because I have a small prose passage already written which is called "Mirror".

[RENA HANDS]

Should it not be…Mirror, mirror on the wall

What about so that you are less repeating…

Mirror, mirror on the wall
showing me truths you hide from all
A monster in you I see
the monster looks just like me
Alone, frustrated, angry or hurt
whiny, boring, rude and curt
Fists of hate and eyes of sorrow
truths don’t heal so lies I borrow
Broken hearted, tired soul
begs for freedom from lack of control
The face I see in you, is mine.


But hark! It could very well be thine.
This is a repeating idea that restates the same idea in the line above it, originally written.

A great expression of words/ideas regardless of my inquires.

[Corneac]

Hey man...cool poem. I always like poetry that can probe into human nature and you managed to fit in quite a few themes in only a few short lines; self loathing, insecurity, and the universal human condition.

I agree with Rena about a few of the comma, but man, this pretty great. I enjoyed the honesty, and although the premise was simple it retained a great refreshing air of clarity about it.

With broken heart, this tired soul
Begs from freedom from lack of control

See...maybe it was a typo, but I think it reads better now that with tow "from"'s on the same line, just might be my opinion, but seems like unneeded repetition to me. may not be completely clear on first reading...but that's the beauty of poetry than you can pick up different things after each reading.

No, the intention was that the face I see in the mirror is mine, but it could very well be yours (as in the person reading the poem). But now I see how it can be easily thought of as if I was saying that the face in the mirror which is mine is the mirror's. I should probably think of a way to change the context of "you" from the mirror to the reader, shouldn't I?

Nah...last lines were instantly evident to me...well rounded and made perfect sense. That the person you’re staring at; the monster, the catalyst of your self-loathing , that the reader could easily look in the mirror and see himself as those things? That all human experience those things…are all humans are inherently evil…or flawed. Anyway...great last line. Always hard to tie of the ends of poem, without skewing the metaphor and yours were pretty great.

I also noticed that you also used a bit of archaic language - "hark" and "thine", personally I love them, and give poetry a decadent old world feel, but you may run into those who dismiss it as fodder and insult to modern poetry. Your rhythm was a little of in places...went a little awry, looked like in places you were trying to hard to rhyme. But on the whole - good pace and excellent flow.

Your images were great - the whole idea of looking in the mirror and seeing the epitome of what we fear, the monster and all the petty emotion that humans experience. Great job, well rounded metaphor and great piece. Can’t wait to see more form you mate.

[Gurdit]

See...maybe it was a typo, but I think it reads better now that with tow "from"'s on the same line, just might be my opinion, but seems like unneeded repetition to me. may not be completely clear on first reading...but that's the beauty of poetry than you can pick up different things after each reading.

Actually, yes, it is a typo. It should be "begs for freedom from lack of control". I'll fix it now.

I also noticed that you also used a bit of archaic language - "hark" and "thine", personally I love them, and give poetry a decadent old world feel, but you may run into those who dismiss it as fodder and insult to modern poetry.

I don't use them too often. But like you perceived, this poem isn't meant to be flowery or nice. I used archaic words on purpose to move the reader away from the comfort zone of conventional/modern comfort.

went a little awry, looked like in places you were trying to hard to rhyme.

Well, to be fair, I did want the poem to rhyme. I wrote it in less than 10 minutes on the way to college, though. Actually, no... that was the other one. This one I wrote in class because a classmate read my other poem and commented how they don't seem to rhyme, so I wrote this one which rhymed. The theme, however, had been playing in my mind all morning and for some part of the day before as well.

Your images were great - the whole idea of looking in the mirror and seeing the epitome of what we fear, the monster and all the petty emotion that humans experience. Great job, well rounded metaphor and great piece. Can’t wait to see more form you mate.

Thanks! It's absolutely amazing to get such compliments from someone whose poetic skills I highly respect.

[LullabyHearts]

I could see this being an awesome rock song

[Ryankia]

To me, some of the flow is disrupted, and I am not sure if it is the lack of punctuation or if the word choices/order themselves are the cause.

Despite the technical problems, I loved the concept! Well delivered!

~Ryan

[Gurdit]

Really?
Personally, I see the following problems with that:
1. It's probably not long enough.
2. It'll need a chorus (and probably a bridge too )

[LullabyHearts]

Well, its just a start to an awesome rock song. You should consider it.
Project! ^.^

[squattaz]

i believe the face to be yours rather than mine since i am assuming the poem gives me the choice...

kind of a harsh poem... whoever you are being hard on, yourself or someone else, let up a bit.

[Ryankia]

You are coming along quite nicely G! I am really loving some of your pieces, including this one!

[Gurdit]

squattaz,
I was being hard on everyone. It's a very general poem in which I was trying to say that there's this monstrous side to everyone, which surfaces sometimes.

Shara,
Thanks This is one of my recent poems

[Nupur]

You already know how much I love this poem. It's so true; everyone can identify with it. I felt that the rhythm was slightly off, but that suits the piece. It lays stress on the harsh nature of the poem.

The images are brilliant. Amd well, you know I've got the entire thing memorized- I've read it so many times!

Excellent!

[Gurdit]

You're a nutter... to have it memorized.

[Rain]

Pretty good job tid, I liked the concept of anger, and not knowing who you are. Flow was disrupted at a few points but overall I liked it. Good job