[Ferris]

Once, have I loved
In the arms of my creator I am innocent

Twice, have I ruled
In the halls of men and their Gods

Thrice, have I killed
In the name of their God and his followers

Never, have I been so stained
In the Name of their God and his will

Again, will I be innocent?

War will cleanse my soul on the field

Never, it seems will I be clean of blood

For I strike in Honour

And wound in revenge

I am the blade of Justice

But in the hands of men

I am a tool of Vengeance

[Venomous Vixen]

Ferris! Where the hell have you been hiding out? I would love to get this up for you, you know the drill, a few comments and then I can get it posted.

One thing, the flow seemed to falter a bit after the first four stanzas. You may consider a comma after "Again" in the next line to keep the reader pausing like before... and maybe somehow work that into the rest of the piece.

[Ferris]

Haha, I took that comma out before i posted it, what a werid experiance this is

Yeh, Im looking into a few changes but still not got much idea.

I'ev done a few comments here and there, but there is some serious lack of new material in the stories sections! Could just be me I guess

[Venomous Vixen]

Yes the comma reads much better (haha stick with your first feeling, generally where commas are concerned you naturally place them there for a reason).

Better see more of you around here!

[Serac]

I wish I could pick the real meaning behind the first half of the poem. I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that there's something more to it than just a random account of love, rule, killing, etc. I also wonder at the God, and how He is thrown up in here, up in here. Holy War, maybe? Or is it an account or view on some historical event I should probably remember? The Crusades? The American Revolution? For God and one's country, yeah? I don't even know. Odds are you just liked how it sounded and rolled with it, and I'm looking too hard.

The ending half was very well done, I thought. I particularly liked the way you tacked on 'And wound in revenge'. A clever touch. On the whole, well done.

[Ferris]

Hehe...

Thanks for you thoughts Serac, as it happens, the imagery in my head for this was more to do with the loving nature that justice is meant to hold for the victim (the making of the sword by the smith, lovingly made for the purpose of looking after his own)

The imagery then turned (in my mind) to the abuse of such justice and some of the things that have occured in history. Its all none-specific but I was hinting at the crusades, though any strife in ages gone would suffice (its all about power I guess).

Thanks for your view

[RENA HANDS]

A solid submission here. The imagery was eerie to my bones, but I am not too certain about the counting…

Once, have I loved
In the arms of my creator I am innocent (Should it not be “had?”)

In the arms of my Creator
I had loved
was born innocent

I ruled twice
in the Halls of men
in the presence of their Gods

Three times I murdered
in the names of their God
and his followers

Never had I been so stained
by his Name
or his Will

Shall I ever be innocent?
War cleanses my soul on the battle field
Never shall my hands be cleaned of blood

I struck in Honour

Wounded in revenge

I was the blade of Justice

In the hands of men

I was a tool of Vengeance

(Not sure if this changes anything either but was not the verb tense also off in the original write? I could be wrong but this is how I see it in translation.)

[Peppy]

I have to say, the poem was an awesome. It was strangely beautiful to read. I'm not sure how many times you fixed this, I'm confused by the other comments, but I think it's fine the way it is now.

There was a perfect amount of words in the poem that I didn't groan when I read it. It flowed, in my opinion, well that my mind wasn't corrupted by "What does this mean?" This piece and others is why I like sticking around Storiesmania.

This is kind of old school, too. Anyways, good read. Bye bye.