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Old 20-04-2008, 12:37 PM
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The timing of the five

Time isn’t what it is,
time is what it isn’t.
It needs not the truth of the lie but the cranking of the eye.

In the fingers of the giants,
With the flipping of the silence.
The child was born in the torn
of a flight, stray, don't fight,
it may be your sight, it's not your right.

Walk, run or simply fall,
do what you must, grab onto the wall.
If only for support, you must do what you must
in this world avoid the lust and the dust, that traps itself inside your lungs.
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Last edited by Nupur; 28-04-2008 at 07:11 AM.
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Old 27-04-2008, 06:46 AM
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Re: The timing of the five

I felt this was too complex with a lot of contradictory thoughts and slightly messed flow. But you had a good theme here and you made use of that. So well done on that. Some places could be improved, but I'm glad you're writing since that's how all of us improve.

Just a few suggestions:

Quote:
The child was born in the torn
of a flight, stray, dont fight,
it may be your sight, its not your right.
The words in bold need apostrophes. Another thing about this part is that it didn't really make sense to me. There was probably something wrong with the transition. What do you mean by 'torn of a flight'? I didn't understand how 'fight', 'sight' and 'right' fit in apart from providing internal rhymes. Well anyway, that's just my personal opinion.

Quote:
in this world avoid the lust and the dust, traps itself inside your lungs.
In place of the comma, I think 'that' would be a better choice. Your subject in the sentence isn't very clear. Right now it looks slightly muddled up. I think a 'that' could do the trick.
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Last edited by Nupur; 28-04-2008 at 07:11 AM.
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Old 27-04-2008, 11:35 AM
Alex's Avatar
the feather-tailed beast
 
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Re: The timing of the five

Thank you for the suggestions. It was just an off poem I suppose.
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