Time isn’t what it is,
Time is what it isn’t.
It craves not the need to feed,
But the need to hunt and see.
Its prey running away for it loves to chase,
Time is the cat always looking for a race.
A child was born in the torn,
On that flight inside the night.
I know that you may see the sky,
But this is not your fight.
Don't stray too close to the war,
For you're not the soldier you were before.
There's not much to do when time has the ball,
You must just wait for the rise or the fall.
In this world avoid the dust,
'Cause it will trap itself in your lungs.
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
- Eric Forman, That 70's Show
Last edited by Alex; 21-01-2010 at 07:34 AM.
Reason: revisiting an old piece
I felt this was too complex with a lot of contradictory thoughts and slightly messed flow. But you had a good theme here and you made use of that. So well done on that. Some places could be improved, but I'm glad you're writing since that's how all of us improve.
Just a few suggestions:
Quote:
The child was born in the torn
of a flight, stray, dont fight,
it may be your sight, its not your right.
The words in bold need apostrophes. Another thing about this part is that it didn't really make sense to me. There was probably something wrong with the transition. What do you mean by 'torn of a flight'? I didn't understand how 'fight', 'sight' and 'right' fit in apart from providing internal rhymes. Well anyway, that's just my personal opinion.
Quote:
in this world avoid the lust and the dust, traps itself inside your lungs.
In place of the comma, I think 'that' would be a better choice. Your subject in the sentence isn't very clear. Right now it looks slightly muddled up. I think a 'that' could do the trick.
Thank you for the suggestions. It was just an off poem I suppose.
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
Taken as seperate thoughts and intricate messages sometimes it passes, as far as I understood them or made them fit my mood. I did like the first verse for tightness and again if you don't think too much it can apply without doing your head in lol Nice work and/or enthusiasm there alex.
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I too loved the imagery and the flows seems a little choppy but I think it works that way. It's like tellin what needs to be told and even though it comes out awkward, it still screams the truth.
Quote:
Its prey running away for it loves to chase,
Time is the cat always looking for a race.
I loved these lines, ecspecially the second one, just beautiful.
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"Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!"
Thank You, the whole thing was drastically changed when I revised it like two years after I posted it.
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
Linear Mode
