I remember when I saw you,
so beautiful and bright.
I knew, that I wanted you
for more than just one night.
It started off so perfectly;
I was happy, so it seemed.
I conformed to your wishes,
doing whatever you deemed.
Not seeing past your beauty,
I walked your suffocating line,
becoming something less than me;
forfeiting all that had been mine.
That's just the way things go,
happening to people every day,
chasing ill-conceived perfection,
not knowing when to walk away.
We vainly chase the beauty
of the trophy that we see,
never looking deep inside,
for the ones that let us be.
With our lives in shambles,
and our futures not so bright,
we've finally learned our lessons;
through the errors of our plight.
Now I look a little deeper,
for what a girl has in store.
Not confused by ugly beauty,
I'll be fooled again no more.
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
This although i enjoyed the rhyme pattern (for once lol and in general)I kept stumbling over the inconsitency of count. If you could do both especially with this, then it would make it an even better piece in my opinion.
I couldn't help replacing some things as I went also.
Quote:
It started off so perfectly
I was happy, so it seemed.
I conformed to your wishes, Doing whatever you deemed.
The smaller jumps are hardly noticeable but when you leap froma say a 5 or 6 count to eight and over it detracts from the beauty if you like of these words. anyway, something to think about.
Quote:
We vainly chase the beauty
of the trophy that we see,
never looking deep inside
for the ones that let us be.
So neat compared to
Quote:
Not seeing past your beauty,
I walked your suffocating line.
Becoming something less than me,
I gave up all that once was mine.
as i say, very slightly more but it sticks out and becomes awkward also not helped by some words maybe ie 'suffocating'.
Again, nice poem and you stay with ur subject matter one thing i enjoy when u rattle these out, some fine thouhts and words.
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thank you very much lubesh.......... I made some edits to it and hope that this has helped......please feel free to give me any feedback you may have to better this peice
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Great thoughts, great flow, and a great read. There is one stanza that the flow is a bit off, and it's in the first line of this stanza here:
Quote:
Originally Posted by psycosis
That's par for the course,
it happens to people every day,
chasing ill-conceived perfection
not knowing when to walk away.
The first line is much shorter syllable-wise than the rest, so I'd suggest making it a bit longer. Otherwise, this is great. I loved the message--we live in such a superficial world that I think sometimes people unfortunately forget to look beyond what they see on the outside. Really nice.
Thank you andromeda...... I re-wrote the stanza in question and hope that it came out smoother
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Again, great piece! Of course The edits that have been made already make the piece flow very well. You write about things that are real and that people can relate to, it is genius!
I have another suggestion, too.
Quote:
I now look a little deeper
for what a girl has in store.
Not confused by ugly beauty,
I'll be fooled again no more.
I personally think if it said "Now I", rather than "I now", it would flow better. It is only a personal opinion. I just feel like it sounds more natural.
__________________
The world is full of goodbyes. You probably meet a new one every day. But that never makes it any easier.
Goodbye, Captain, my Captain. May you rest in peace. [[2/1/10]]
I agree........"Now I" seems to fix the flow problem in that last stanza...thank you very much.....thats what I love about this site because I miss alot when Im writing
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
The edits that have been made already make the piece flow very well. You write about things that are real and that people can relate to, it is genius! 
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