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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-04-2008, 10:20 AM
Jayna's Avatar
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Love is Real

Divine love flows from my lips,
Sweetest words that heal to the bone;
The Heart of the matter is Love.

Love from season to season,
Wise eyes and listening ears,
Passion, romance, fairytale lives.

In the soul and the spirit,
Love is real.

Open your mind to define real love,
How does it touch you so defiantly true,
Oh, how much love God has for you!

Deeply rooted in my everlasting love,
I remember joy and laughter,
With all my heart and soul.

Divine love sings from my lips,
devoted voice for Him.

Last edited by Nupur; 05-04-2008 at 08:53 AM. Reason: needed some more work
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Old 01-04-2008, 10:06 PM
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Re: Love is Real

Hi Jayna,

Few spelling errors here

Quote:
Wise eyes anf listening ears
and

Quote:
In the soul and the spirt
spirit

Also, do have a look at these points:

Quote:
The Heart of the matter is Love
I think you're trying to attract your reader's attention by capitalizing these words, but it would be better if you let them remain in lowercase.

Quote:
Open your mind to define what is real love
In my opinion it looks better with these words deleted, but this is purely subjective.
Quote:
How does it touch you so deeply, purely,
sweet and true
You have adverbs in the first line, and suddenly, without a subject you shift to adjectives. Either add a subject there or convert the adjectives in the second line to adverbs.

If you don't want to change the words:

'sweet' and 'true' are describing love, and therefore the lines would fit better in reverse order.

Quote:
Deeply rooted in my everlasting one
one?

The stanzas need to be punctuated with commas and periods at the required positions. Please do this.
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Last edited by Nupur; 05-04-2008 at 08:47 AM.
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Old 03-04-2008, 03:34 AM
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Re: Love is Real

I value your time for editing my work. I will change somethings and try to comment more on others works. thanks again for your hard work.
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Old 03-04-2008, 03:56 AM
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Re: Love is Real

Thank you for making the changes. Looks better now.

The sweet/true part still bugs me a little. You need adverbs there, not adjectives. You're describing a verb: touch. Sweetly and truly would be grammatically right, but wouldn't flow well. Think of something else to place here. If you like it the way it is, I have no problem with that.

Quote:
Divine love flows from my lips,
Sweetest words that heal to the bone;
The heart of the matter is love.

Love from season to season,
Wise eyes and listening ears,
Passion, romance, fairytale lives.

In the soul and the spirit,
Love is real.

Open your mind to define real love,
How does it touch you so sweet and true,
Oh, how much love God has for you!

Deeply rooted in my everlasting love,
I remember joy and laughter
With all my heart and soul.

Divine love sings from my lips,
devoted voice for Him.
I added some punctuation here. But punctuation is purely subjective; don't use it if you don't want to. And 'fairytale' is being used as an adjective here. Made that correction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayna
I value your time for editing my work. I will change somethings and try to comment more on others works. thanks again for your hard work.
No problem at all. I'm glad to be of help.
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Last edited by Nupur; 05-04-2008 at 08:48 AM.
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Old 05-04-2008, 08:40 AM
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Re: Love is Real

Nupur I'm done! tell me what you think of the final cut. THanks so much for all your help.

Last edited by Nupur; 05-04-2008 at 08:50 AM.
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Old 05-04-2008, 08:48 AM
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Re: Love is Real

You're welcome.

And this version does read a lot better.
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Old 05-04-2008, 09:14 AM
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Re: Love is Real

Thanks to you. Without your help I would have never fix this and learned so much. thank again Nupur
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Old 18-10-2008, 08:30 PM
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Smile Re: Love is Real

I see you've gone through a lot of revision with this poem already! It is really amazing! My favorite line(s) are:

Quote:
In the soul and the spirit,
Love is real.
This is so simple, yet so...enigmatic! In the soul and the spirit, love is real! This is such an important phrase to this poem that I feel you could even emphasize it more by adding an exclaimation point if you wanted.

I did have one quick note about the fourth stanza

Quote:
Open your mind to define real love,
How does it touch you so sweet and true,
Oh, how much love God has for you!
"How does it touch you so sweet and true?" This is phrased as a question, yet you make no indication to that (punctuation etc..). Do you mean it to be a question? If not perhaps you should re-phrase or rearrange those sentences another way to avoid confusion.

Other than that, awesome work!
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