[thelma&louise]

We are an ocean,
full of depth and volume,
hidden under the layers of coolness.
We ride the tides, yet mock the waves
Together we rise, together we subside
Twisting, turning, churning; all in between.

Heaven isn't necessarily present in the skies.
It has a shared beauty that can be seen;
all you have to do is think of the mystic seas
We are of one creed,
rolling about, full of modesty and serene
We complete each other,
no temptation, no greed,
a pack with a pact never to leave
When we are together, we are free.

-Sal.

[Nupur]

This poem is very well written. You have some wonderful thoughts in here and have presented then very well.

I just noticed one little typo:

Heaven isn't neccessarily present in the skies

necessarily

Also, though you have done a great job on the poem, I feel a little punctuation and less capitalization could be helpful. That's totally subjective and feel free to keep your poem as it is.

We are an ocean,
full of depth and volume,
hidden under the layers of coolness.
We ride the tides, yet mock the waves
Together we rise, together we subside
Twisting, turning, churning; all in between.

Heaven isn't necessarily present in the skies.
It has a shared beauty that can be seen;
all you have to do is think of the mystic seas
We are of one creed,
rolling about, full of modesty and serene
We complete each other,
no temptation, no greed,
a pack with a pact never to leave
When we are together, we are free.

Just a suggestion. A line break could be helpful there.

Apart from all that, I really like your poem. Specially this line made me go 'whoa!'

We ride the tides, yet mock the waves

The thought you have expressed is really good. 'Riding the tides and yet mocking the waves'. Got the mental wheels turning. Wonderful work on this one.

[Syrah]

I like the gentle slowness of this piece. A wonderful introduction to your work on the site. The collective words are poignant and begs attention. I will say that it is a very good thing (in my opinion) that you heeded Nupur's suggestions. The punctuation that way it is makes the flow spot on, otherwise one might feel out of breath by the end, but instead each word is read carefully and with a rhythm. Excellente. And welcome to the site XO!

[thelma&louise]

Gracias, I really appreciate it. And yeah, Nupur's been a great help. You guys are making me really, really happy and more confident in putting more of my work on this site.

My head's getting bigger already.

-Sal.

[colinbaker62]

An interesting extended metaphor and I agree with the last line for sure. It is precisely 'collective togetherness' that the human species currently lacks by the bucket-load....But we'll get there....We must!




Colin

[thelma&louise]

Much thanks, Colin. =)

[Rain]

Hey Sal, I really enjoyed this and I can't say anything bad about it. It flowed very nicely, and that's even more impressive because you did not rhyme, I had a very difficult time coming out of rhyming and making able to flow. But you did it easily here it seemed. Gave me nice thought honestly, through the whole thing it just kinda relaxed me, it was very nice lol. You did this nearly perfectly in my eyes. And yes, Nupur is awesome, helps me all the time.

[RENA HANDS]

What about…Heaven isn’t always in the skies.

Or is that just a substitution for ‘necessarily?’

Anyway…a very creative poem; imagery and sentiments were extremely strong. I shall give 4/5!

[thelma&louise]

Thank you, Altair. I've been saying that a lot lately, but it seems like it's not enough. =)

-Sal.

[thelma&louise]

And Rena, thank you so much! I'm so flattered, honestly. 4/5 is...wow. Thank you.