[Keplaz]

A wooden smile, a carefree gaze,
Grinning teeth, a bright grimace,
Joy seems bubbling, the smile looks real,
But you have no idea how I feel.

I see the look, your eyes so blue,
Your face is brighter, the glow is true.
A picture of serenity, such perfect peace,
No use trying to hide it, your love is his.

Friends forever, you and I, forget the history,
Forget the pain, I lost a lover but gained a friend.
Time has passed, but nothing has changed,
There's a ring on your finger, so I guess it has.

Best mate, best man, you'll have it no other way,
“You'll walk me down the aisle,” you say, but I'm in pain.
The sun is shining, your face is gleaming, I nod we hug,
And inside I die a little more, with feelings I'm doomed to forever hide.

[Gurdit]

a bright grimace,

Is "grimace" the word to use here? In this first paragraph, you're talking about an unauthentically happy face, and grimace is an expression of pain... so I don't think it really fits here.

Kep, someone told me you're not exactly a poet, so what's going on here? Because this is NOT bad.

I'll be honest, sure I think this could use a little polishing, but your expressions of emotion are pretty good. I also like how it progresses from a expression of your feelings to the description of the scene of the marriage.

"I lost a lover but gained a friend." Even though this sounds a little cliche to me, I still like it a lot, and I can't quite explain why.


"Time has passed, but nothing has changed,
There's a ring on your finger, so I guess it has."
These two lines seem a little awkward to me. I think perhaps you might want to try expressing that you THOUGHT things would never change, but now that there's this ring on her finger, they have to.


Finally, there's something I didn't quite understand here. You're the best man? I don't know much about weddings, but I thought that it's generally the groom that decides the best man. I also thought that it's the bride's father that walks her down the aisle... hmm... so that part left me a little confused.

Apart from that, I'm going to make the common suggestions... try to maintain a more or less fixed syllable count. If you don't like that, then make it a little more freestyle, use a lot more poetic devices (eg: alliterations, metaphors, etc).

Best of luck.

[dearest]

You don't write poetry? Surprising, because I agree with tid. Really, not bad at all. You have a unique way of expressing yourself...I'd like to see more. What had me confused was the rhyme scheme. It's rather...sporatic. Lines three and four of stanza one rhyme, and so do lines one and two of stanza two...but nothing else, though it seems set up to allude that this is supposed to rhyme. In the interest of continuity, it might be best to either go all end rhymes (or end rhymes on just lines one and two, etc.) or none.

Time has passed, but nothing has changed,
There's a ring on your finger, so I guess it has

I agree that this one felt awkward, probably because it did follow a rhyme. Actually, I really like those lines a lot, you just need to find a way to make it flow.

Well, that's my major issue, tid has covered everthing else. Again, really nice job on this.

[Keplaz]

Thank you guys so much for the detail with which you looked at this. I'm really not a poet but occasionally I've been known to try. I'll redo it. Looking at the points you've suggestied and sticking to just one style.

Thank you for the kind comments and for reading. I'm very grateful.

[Vorcla]

From one non-poet to another, nice job, Kep. The emotion is genuine, and that's what makes it for me.