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24-04-2008, 11:39 AM
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3 Occurences
I look at you
While you're looking away I turn away When you turn my way Eye contact Just enough to shake us Hands touch Just enough to hush us Whispers occur Just enough for us to contemplate Lips kiss Just enough for us to realize Open your Eyes And see we're perfect Close your Eyes And let me kiss you Open your Heart And let me come inside Close you Heart And let me live there forever Open your Hand So I can grasp it tightly Close your Hand So you can grasp mine
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Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't control myself! Animal I've Become-Three Days Grace  Last edited by Nupur; 28-04-2008 at 06:55 AM. 
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24-04-2008, 02:09 PM
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Re: 3 Occurences
Just experimenting a little. Thought I would go ahead and see what people think. I don't think it's very good myself, but I think that about all my stuff.
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Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't control myself! Animal I've Become-Three Days Grace
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27-04-2008, 04:04 AM
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Re: 3 Occurences
I think you're going for alternating long lines. The ones I have below are exceptions and I'd be glad if you stick to your form with these as well.
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And let me come inside Quote:
So I can grasp it tightly Very sweet poem, Tay. The repetition was a little too much, but you have managed to capture the emotions and thoughts very well.
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Last edited by Nupur; 28-04-2008 at 06:55 AM.
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30-04-2008, 04:27 AM
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Re: 3 Occurences
Thanks for the help Nup
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Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't control myself! Animal I've Become-Three Days Grace
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14-05-2008, 11:25 AM
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Re: 3 Occurences
Stanza 3 was jarring for me...
Quote:
Other than that, kudos for this enjoyable poem. 
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"Your spirit I can't see/but I still believe/I can feel your breath on me"
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15-05-2008, 01:07 AM
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Re: 3 Occurences
Thanks, I see that now, this was when I was first begining, and my first 'shit' poem lol. I see it as that anyways, except the end... I liked that ok. Thanks for the comment, smokey
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Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't control myself! Animal I've Become-Three Days Grace
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15-05-2008, 01:39 AM
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Re: 3 Occurences
Oh Tay, I truly treasure the honesty and genuine emotion in your work... it almost seems fragile, like if you touch it or mess with it you will lose that feeling you convey to the reader. This one was no exception, and I really liked the way you are playing with form. There were some rough spots for me, flow wise... but it did not matter by the end because it made me feel, and that is enough to overlook any technical issues. The last three stanzas in particular were great, you got into a rhythm and I loved the opposites and how you worked them.
Great work hun!!
__________________
"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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15-05-2008, 02:50 AM
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Re: 3 Occurences
Thanks you vey much, Bri. Always makes me happy when you review something of mine.
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Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't control myself! Animal I've Become-Three Days Grace
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