[Rain]

Love hazes from the grey sky, impersonating rain,
you smile and then say to my surprise "Kiss me"
Lips collide in perfect harmony, released the pain,
it burns inside our hearts, it's so "Meant to be"

Drenched from downpour, we sit side by side, it feels so true.
my eyes say "I love you, and I can't hide it"
Tears gather at the brim of your eyes "I love you too"
Grasping your hand, till you, the end, I won't quit.

Underneath this blooming tree, you look so beautiful.
Enjoying one another "Please, hold me tight"
As the clouds continue to cry, tears so wonderful.
This feeling, it feels so warm, it feels so right

Side by side with kisses shared, whispers so secreted.
We lay soaked, "Are you waiting for something, dear?"
"Tell me you love me once more, please" with a smirk so sweet
"I'll love you forever, there's no need to fear"

[Rain]

This was actually inspired by a dream I had... actually.... but yeah, hope you guys enjoy. And I wish I could've made the piece better, but, oh well.

[smokeytehmonstr]

No, it's really good. Some thoughts, though...

Love hazes from the grey sky, impersonating rain,

Not sure about haze as a verb...how about mist?

you smile and then say to my surprise "Kiss me"

I'd reorder this to say "you smile and to my surprise say..." I think it sounds more musical.

Lips collide in perfect harmony, released the pain,

Verb tense. Change "released" to "releases" and you're A-OK!

Drenched from downpour, we sit side by side, it feels so true.

This needs to be simplified. As you can see, it's far too long compared to the other lines of the poem. I'd suggest cutting down the first phrase to "drenched". You've established that it's raining, so the rest is a little redundant. Also, I'd put a period after the last "side". So, the poem would read "Drenched, we sit side by side. It feels so true,"

my eyes say "I love you, and I can't hide it"

To go along with the change to the above line, add "and" to the start of this line. Also, try to set off the unsaid dialogue somehow. I'd either italicize it or add a dash or colon after "say". The same goes for the following line, btw.

Grasping your hand, till you, the end, I won't quit.

I'm confused. She is the end? ...Hmm. Not sure about that. For now, I'd recommend changing it to say "Grasping your hand, till the end, I won't quit." Or, if she is indeed the end, then changing it to "Grasphing your hand, till you, till the end, I won't quit" for clarity.

Enjoying one another "Please, hold me tight"

The dialogue needs context of some kind. Reading the poem again, I'm not so attached to the first phrase of the line. I'd replace it with something to give the dialogue context.

As the clouds continue to cry, tears so wonderful.
This feeling, it feels so warm, it feels so right

I love the sentiment, but the punctuation needs some tightening, and that last line could be shortened.
So, it would read "as the clouds continue to cry tears so wonderful,/this feeling, it's so warm, so right".

Side by side with kisses shared, whispers so secreted.

The end of this line, it doesn't work very well. I'd change it to "side by side, sharing kisses and secretive whispers". I think bringing it out of passive voice adds more immediacy to this.

We lay soaked, "Are you waiting for something, dear?"
"Tell me you love me once more, please" with a smirk so sweet
"I'll love you forever, there's no need to fear"

I'd put a period after "soaked". Again, more context is needed for the dialogue. Not sure how you want to do that. Also, the "smirk so sweet" part makes that line too long.


But I SOOOOOOOOOOO love this. The whole kissing in the rain thing...I think rain is extremely romantic. lol Great work.

[Rain]

Actually a lot of those were because it was syllable count. I didn't look over all the suggestions but I will soon. Thanks for reviewing though! lol, my first on this crappy thing. This was because I really wanted to write... it sucks, don't deny it, but I still like it. Anyways, thanks, and I'll look at these harder a little later today .

[smokeytehmonstr]

you were counting syllables per line? oh...

I have no experience with that. I always ignore that when i write sonnets anyway.

[Rain]

Yeah I was, Lu helped me a lot with it. That's the first time I've doneit, and I probably won't do it for a long time, because I struggled....

[smokeytehmonstr]

It is a really difficult thing to do...which is why I'll admit to not even bothering with it. If I want to stretch myself, I'll rhyme.

[Rain]

Good choice

[Venomous Vixen]

I have to agree with a lot of smokey's edits. (Minus the hazy... I like that )

Foe example, the second edit keeps the syllable count but spruces up the structure a bit.

Lips collide in perfect harmony, released the pain,

Here, to get the tense right what about 'releasing pain', it keeps the same count as before but sounds more grammatically correct.

The 'drenched from the downpour' line is 14 syllable, one more than the opening lines of your first and third stanza and far longer than the lines above and below. I agree, this impedes the flow. Perhaps cutting a syllable and even a comma out would help. Something like...

Soaked by the sky we sit side by side, it feels so true.

Here is where some more sprucing could come up...

my eyes say "I love you, and I can't hide it"

what about 'my eyes say, "I love you, I can't disguise it"

Just one simple change but it adds more complexity, still keeping the same count.

Grasping your hand, till you, the end, I won't quit.

I thought the same thing here, the 'the end' part just does not work. I think you are trying to say you will hold her hand forever, but by the wording and commas that is muffled. Maybe more like...

'Grasping hands, I'll hold 'til the end, I won't quit'

This feeling, it feels so warm, it feels so right

An adjective would come in handy here, the repetitive 'feel' is a bit too much, I would replace one or the other.

Smokey's rearrangement of the 'secreted' to secrets and whispers I thought was on point, and I counted, same amount of syllables!

I know that seems like a load, but truly I only do this with things when I see something great. This is gorgeous, the idea, the mood, some of the words you selected. Something about lovers and the rain always gets me, and you have that raw and innocent emotion in there, but something more, a desperation and hunger almost. Words can be toyed with, structure and rhyme, but if you do not have that feeling to start with you never will, and you dear, have it

[smokeytehmonstr]

Bri's edits make even more sense than mine.

[Rain]

Thanks so much Bri, I'll take a full look at these in a little while. I really appreciate you reviewing

[PaulJJ]

I don’t know much about poetry, I’ve never studied it, like the structures and so forth, I was never even any good in English class . But I know this. This is great. It painted such a beautiful image
Nice work.