[shatteredsight]

Your knowing smile mocks me

and makes me yearn to know

your hidden thoughts, and locked up dreams

the memories you won't let go.



What has hurt you bad enough

that you formed this diamond mask?

Why do you find it so hard to trust

in my extended hand?



When we talk I search your face,

your eyes, to find a crack

for through the wall of diamond

I can see but can't understand.



I want to share, to ease the hurt

showing in your eyes

but I can't break through the thick glass pane

beyond which your soul hides.



Your guarded smile saddens me

your crystal shell won't break,

I wish you'd just confide in me

let me carry the weight.

[Raider]

I admit, If I comment on this one it a bit biased .

So, rather then telling you how great it was, i'll do my best to say what can be improved.

Why do you find it so hard to trust

in my extended hand?

The second line is too short, completely throws the rhythm off.

When we talk I search your face,

your eyes, to find a crack

for through the wall of diamond

I can see but can't understand.

Here it seems you avoided any rhyme at all, which would be fine, if you hadn't rhymed at first. My mind was expecting it, and felt cheated when it didn't find it.

I want to share, to ease the hurt

showing in your eyes

Maybe:

I want to ease the hurt showing in your eyes

but I can't break through the thick glass pane

beyond which, your soul hides.

But thats not a four line, so ionno.

I'm being picky because i liked it, i swear. I guess its also alot to do with you. I know you'd be mad if i wasn't picky huh?

hey hey, btw, why does this poem remind me of my own called 'Shield' anyone else find this odd?

Shield

[Corneac]

Not bad shattered sight. Pretty darn good poem. I can relate to this a lot actually, very eloquently yet simply earnest as well. Nice job. I have to agree with Raider that the rhythm is a little of in places, but overall fantastic job.

[shatteredsight]

Thanks guys! And looking at it again, I can see the nasty little errors...grrrr. But, if y'all don't mind, this one is important to my, and I wrote it SO long ago (12-11-2006) so I'm not gonna mess with it, next time I'll put up something more recent so I'll be able to more readily improve it.

Once again, thank you, and I'm glad you could relate to it, Corneac.
!

[Lubesh]

When we talk I search your face,
your eyes, to find a crack



Simple yet packed with the power of your emotion..good piece.

[buttercup]

I know a strong silently totured and afraid to be happy type myself. They break your heart don't they? I wrote a poem "Silent Cries" about said creature. Would love some feed back. Anywho I thought it great and because my simple mind was expecting rhyme the same vowel sounds were close enogh for me! don't let them get u down!!!

[shatteredsight]

YAY!! Thanx buttercup!! Yeah, hey can give you heartache, ugh...

Thanks lubesh, I liked that part of it as well.

, I won't let 'em get me down, I'll just try to learn.

[rosetheruler]

I liked reading this poem. Reminds me of someone I know

[shatteredsight]

Thanks, rose, I'm glad youcould relate to it!

[LullabyHearts]

Hmm I really enjoyed this

although it would've looked nicer if it was double spaced

[shatteredsight]

thanks lullaby

[iwrite4areason]

I really like where you are headed with this poem! It definitely connects to most people that have been in a relationship. Nevertheless, I feel like you are bound by the rhythm of the verse when you do not need to be.

Your knowing smile mocks me / and makes me yearn to know

This poem starts out by indicating that this "knowing smile" frustrates you by "making you yearn to know".. However, I couldn't help but have that same knowing smile on my face while I was reading the poem. Every single stanza read exactly the same to the point where I was so bored with the rhythm that I wasn't paying attention to the words anymore. Throw in some internal rhyme or some lines that don't seem to match up with the others. This will keep the readers intrigued enough to continue. That is the beauty with poetry and free verse...poetic license! Make this poem your own by having it not resemble any other poem read!

[Lilyfaery]

I'm not much into poetry but I really liked this. It was simple yet powerful and was very beautiful and haunting. My only problem was that some of the lines didn't rhyme and it threw me off. I think some words like "know" or "knowing", in the first stanza and "diamond" throughout the poem were used a little too much. Overall I liked this and I want to see your recent work. Good job!

[yume no hasu]

This was nice poem. I'm not very good at poetry so I can't really so much, but the rhythm threw me off some times.
But otherwise I liked the simple but strong topic.