[LullabyHearts]

Synopsis: About a girl who doesn't believe about giving the love of her life a second chance


I never believed
In second chances
With past lovers
What would be
Different?

If we couldn't work it out
The first time
What makes the second time
On a lifetime of love
Different?

Fate must've gotten amnesia
And buried the past
It left me feeling
Sensational and
Different.

I guess my heart had
Repressed my love
And now that you are back
Things will be
Different.

Even thought we have
Picked things back up
We're not together because
You have a secret. And that's not so
Different.

I wasn't the only
Heart of your world
You say you don't love her
But I know
Different.

We live in distant worlds
In places that love is not common
That's why our first chance on love didn't work
What made me think this time would be
Different?

[Phonoho]

For someone who doesn't usually write poetry, you're off to a good start, though I think it could benefit from some sort of metered structured or rhyme scheme. Even a few abstract or odd word choices could liven up your phrases, adding more depth. Good to see you jumping right in. The water's fine!

[Masa]

Lovely, I do enjoy it.

I sensed a sort of reproachfulness, though, hahahaha, that's obvious from the start!

[LullabyHearts]

Any suggestions to make it better, Mr. Poetry?

[Masa]

I feel I cannot say anymore than what Phonoho-sama has already said.

[Phonoho]

Originally Posted by Masa

I feel I cannot say anymore than what Phonoho-sama has already said.

Oh, don't be shy.

[LullabyHearts]

I'd much rather people tear my stuff apart then get praise.

[Masa]

A rythm, that's really all I ask for.

And Mr. Poetry is Corneac, Masa is the Poor Poet. Hahahaha...

[LullabyHearts]

I'll definitely try that out later tonight!

[Corneac]

And Mr. Poetry is Corneac, Masa is the Poor Poet. Hahahaha

Am I now? Haha. I can live with that...

Ok now to your poem. Not bad I did enjoy it. I do always enjoy seeing writers not cling to a specific form or rhyming scheme, this boasts originality. Which is not something you see in most the dregs of modern poetry.

Thematically it wasn't that spectacular. But I enjoyed it all the same.

We live in distant worlds
In places that love is not common
That's why our first chance on love didn't work
What made me think this time would be
Different?

Perception is a damning thing. Too often it is unrealistic and repetitive. I can note real earnest emotion here...which is always refreshing to say the least. It's good to see honest...raw poetry. In one respect. But judging by this poem...I have a sneaking suspicion you can do better. I suspect that you yourself don't think this is deserving of my highest praise. It just seems slightly mediocre. It definitely showcases some of your skill with the written word but a skill that could used some honing and practise poetry wise.

Personally repetition shits me up the wall. The relentless use of the word of "different" wasn't actually that bad. It was used subtly compared to most repetition and I did enjoy it. By I think perhaps changing the word in different places would create another plateau to this poem. Perhaps add more depth too your overall piece. With this it almost seems as if your just skimming the surface and I could see something much more lurking beneath the surface.

Rhythm. There wasn't much here. Rhythm doesn't have to be a rhyme or a meter. Just how the words seem to swirl together, to a beat when you read it. Sometime a lack of rhythm can complement the a poem thematically. But not in this respect I don't think

Good job. I enjoyed reading it and it was a breath of fresh air in many ways. Great job mate and I look forward to reading some more of yours.

[LullabyHearts]

Thanks. As I keep saying on all my works of arts, it need editting...severely. Its been like exactly a year since I wrote this...a lot of growth has occured. I'm going to let this stay up for awhile then this summer, I'm going to do some major major editting on a lot of my old pieces.

[Princess]

I like the idea, even if it's cliched. However, who doesn't love clicheness.

But rhythm is something that you need to work on, if you got a constant meter I think it would be really good.

[LullabyHearts]

It helps that this is something I wrote while I was experiencing something and still am. Its real and its about well, Princess, you know that guy.

[Princess]

Yes, but the first time I read it I didn't even think about him. But I got on like the third try.

[LullabyHearts]

I think if you read it last year you would've gotten that it was about him because last year the situation was worse then it is now. Now its progressed...into something different

[colinbaker62]

Hi Haruna,

And I too, welcome both this poem (which I very much enjoyed) and its author to storiesmania. Mind you, unlike Phonoho who says to you "Good to see you jumping right in. The water's fine!", I would urge caution myself. You see, I did just that when I joined and my testicles disapeared...:laugh::laugh:



Colin

[dearest]

I thought I recognized this one. ^_^ Hey Haruna! Although it's not one of my favorites of yours poetry-wise, I still love the depth of emotion you put into your writing, particuarly this piece. I cringe to recommend it but...some sort of meter would help. Please?

[LullabyHearts]

Oh yes, I know but I was a freshman when I wrote this. And I would love to change it but the emotion and that time with "him" was a big part of my life...And I'm afraid with my feelings now I would ruin the poem.