[Ravane]

Author's Notes: Lubesh and I both created this poem. It is co-authored by us.

The leaves blew across the vast sky,
As white cotton pillows made a path.
A wide savanna did it cross.

A foundation for the storm and its fiery wrath,
And fire came and destroyed the path.
Made by luscious vines of green,

Grass which quivered from the wrath,
Became scorched and withered and was no more seen.
The weather changed later on, but the savanna was no more,

In its stead darkness and dust did ever roam.
No more leaves would fall here and for as far as I could see,
On and on forever as the trail led home.

I like it a lot. Extremely well written. A round of applause to you both.

the only thing i'm not too keen on is

In its stead darkness and dust did ever and ever roam.

do you need 2 'ever's?

That's the only thing I didn't like, the rest was awesome.

[Ravane]

lol. I didn't write that line. Lubesh did. Does ever and forever work??

hmmm maybe. what about just

'In its stead darkness and dust did ever roam'.

[Ravane]

sounds good to me.

[Pule]

Not bad. I didn't like the use of "vast" twice in the first few lines, maybe you can come up with another word, but it was generally good. This line also bugged me a bit:

[q]Became scorched and withered and was no more seen[/q]

I'd change it to
"Became scorched and withered, no longer seen"

or something, but it gets a little bit too long and breaks the sort of rhythm

[Ravane]

Changed it and nice to see you again, though, I too was gone...

[osofoaddo]

An interesting and thoughtful creative poem .. thanks to both of you for sharing your joint creativity..

[Ryankia]

Made of lucious green,
Grass which quivered at the sight,

Luscious is misspelled. ^.~

These two lines also don't flow as smoothly as the rest - they are almost missing some words which cut them unnaturally short.

Made of a luscious <insert a descriptive color for green perhaps? Like forest, or emerald?> green,
the? Grass which then? quivered at the sight,

Just a few suggestions ^.^

[Ravane]

alright. Thanks for the suggestions. I think it does sound better now.

[Ryankia]

So do I! I like what you added. Great piece