We all deal with the turmoil,
and tolerate the stress
of a life that's full of heartache,
even from the one's that we love the best.
We sit around and ponder,
about things that may have been.
Like where is an old love interest,
or where are my old friends?
Not waking up and realizing,
as life, cold-heartedly, passes by.
Not smelling all the roses,
or taking time to ponder why.
We fall to all life's struggles,
upon losing the one's so dear.
They offer that support,
so we can minimize our fear.
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
The flow was a little awkward in this piece. You managed to pull off your own rhyme scheme within this too, whether that was on purpose or an accident, I don't know. Your first two stanzas, the rhyming lines, two and four, are near-rhymes. In your last two stanzas, they are true rhymes. This works because this poem isn't that long, and you hold true with a pattern.
Where I find the issue is, you're trying too hard to make these rhymes work for you. Your third stanza is your best, but that's because the -i sounding rhyme has so many different words that work with it, you didn't have to force it there. I'm not suggesting you stick with words that have multiple rhyming counterparts, but I am saying you shouldn't let the rhyme dictate the poem.
Second stanza, third line, suggest a comma after the word like. Same stanza, fourth line, you're posing questions, should be ended with a question mark. Your last stanza, the last line has to many syllables. It makes it awkward to read because you have a good count through that stanza until the last line. Would suggest trying to shrink that up a bit. Ultimately, in rhyming poetry, to help pull off the rhyme better, you should match syllable counts on your lines. Like, here you have; A, B, C, B rhyme scheme. A and C should share a syllable count, give or take one, and same goes for the B lines. It helps tremendously, doesn't put so much emphasis on the 'forced-rhyme' situation, and will ensure flow throughout the piece.
Alright, now that I've castrated the poem. It's really not that bad. I like the message you're trying to get across here, it just gets lost in the nuances sometimes. Your last stanza really has a powerful message, but again, the flow fluctuation takes away from it. I would say this is a very reworkable piece, and you could do a lot with it. Would enjoy seeing it redone.
My disclaimer, I'm just a regular guy that thinks he knows about poetry. Therein lies the fault, thinks, so, all of what I've just said could be wrong. Just saying. Thanks for sharing.
__________________
I'm abrasive, direct, and generally as helpful as I know how to be. If I cause you some offense, please let me know, and then do your best to get over it. Thanks.
If you can add a really happy feeling ending to it... I think you could easily sell this one to Hallmark for a quick buck. Maybe just throw an occasion at the very top in bold first, like "Happy Mothers Day" for example. I'd buy one... probably.
LOL......In process of moving back to Denver Vail but will make adjustments when I get settled......It was very forced......I wrote this in 10 minutes while some friends and I were drinking......someone used the term Life Struggles and they bet me I couldnt write a poem about it in less than 20 minutes......Rod, you're probably right but after I adjust and make it truly my own it will resemble no Hallmark card
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Nice one, and for some thought, 'even from the ones we love the best': actually heartache's are usually from people of this category only...
Your poem is beautiful and simple, and that's why I like it. It doesn't have any heavy words and portrays thoughts which everyone knows always but we don't give much thought to them.
These are my views even though I am an amateur!
Thanks!
Thank you for your kind words pets....... I agree that it is the simplicity of this piece that makes in enjoyable
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Did some re-working here....... hope it reads better now
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Thank you miss rena....... I took care of the comma and you're right............ this could be a much stronger piece
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
I always end up reading one of your poems whenever I come here. Did you write alot of poems or is it just me???? I enjoyed this one too. Nothing to add, you know your thing.
__________________
My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
Haven't written much lately......... you're just behind......... Haha!!!! I do appreciate you always reading and commenting on my writing
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Re: Life Struggles
Linear Mode
