| Notices |
 |
|
|
LinkBack | Thread Tools |
Rating: 
|
Display Modes |
10-04-2005, 04:26 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Cry
How well I do know
That I am entitled to nothing That it is you who provide Me, left to be satisfied So, give me the strength I need And help my heart not to bleed These wrong things I have done With your mercy wash them clean Of your power I have no doubt But it is your mercy that brings me about I give you my heart I concede For you alone are my sustainer My provider when in need Last edited by psycosis; 10-04-2005 at 07:05 AM. 
|
| Sponsored Links |
|
10-04-2005, 08:53 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
I like it, but I'm not going to tell you that
 oh wait....damn
__________________
Mr.Snail (Missing, presumed Lost).
|
|
10-04-2005, 09:27 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
You like it? WOW. I didnt think anyone would. I wasnt even sure I liked it.
|
|
28-10-2007, 07:24 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: Cry
seems like things are out of your hands in this one...
__________________
|
|
28-10-2007, 09:18 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
This begs a question... who did you write it for? Who can it be who is your ultimate and only provider?
__________________
If you don't let me know that you've read my comment, I will probably stop commenting on your writing.  Smile, and have a good day.
|
|
30-10-2007, 03:50 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
its good because its very fulfilling, however you used mercy twice in alternate lines, something that is a backpoint in your favour..
Keep penning Hirak.
|
|
30-10-2007, 09:02 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
yes squattaz, its saying things were out of my hand and that I had to turn to some higher power.
tidruG, I wrote it for me.... I mean for me but to my higher power. And who is my ultimate and higher power? well I believe in G-d. I think that Christians, Muslims, and Jews, and every other religion has the same G-d just different aspects of him or her. Thank you Hirak, I wrote this back in the day and it does leave a lot to be desired in terms of poetry and word usage but I always go back and tweak when I feel the need.
|
|
30-10-2007, 11:04 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
poetry is not using big words or emotional text alone, but the feeling that must be conveyed should be such that it should purify any soul. thats whats left to be desired.
what i did like was the fact that you wrote it from your heart, this one, and which is why the innocence of this piece is very revealing.. but i do believe editing is necessary for all poems, and the same applies here. not great editing, but a go through to tune it up if the author is interested in posting it. Hirak.
|
|
31-10-2007, 08:43 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
understood, I feel the same way.
|
|
01-11-2007, 05:16 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
Great emotion in this piece, but I'm a little confused about your rhyming pattern. Seperating it into stanzas or keeping a consistant pattern (abcc, abac, etc.) would help the reader understand exactly where you're going. Now, the good stuff:
Quote:
Overall, lovely job.
__________________
The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on. -Carl Sandburg
|
|
01-11-2007, 10:24 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Re: Cry
rhyming pattern? obviously you dont know me lol. I dont really have a thing for rhyming, when I rhyme its just because it happens to come out that way. Otherwise I just say what I want.
Thank you though very much, I do try not to try too hard lol
|
|
01-11-2007, 10:27 PM
|
|||
|
|||
Re: Cry
Very good piece, I find it hard to rate poetry however.
Interesting non-the-less.
|
|
14-11-2007, 08:49 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: Cry
I liked it. It was a basically a praise and worship poem, somewhat of a note, which made it seem more personal. Good work.
__________________
Heaven came down, and glory filled my soul. When at the cross, my Savior made me whole.
|
|
| Bookmarks |
| Tags |
| None |
| Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | Rate This Thread |
|
|
Linear Mode
