[shatteredsight]

God, please give this man some wings
to fight the Parkinson's disease,
please keep the clouds far from his mind
keep safe his thoughts, one of a kind.
Send him wings to lift the haze,
that stole the sparkle from his gaze.
God, I beg you, come and take
from this man each pain and ache,
which he's ever had to bear
please place it all within my care,
and maybe it will ease the shake
that's in his hands and neck each day.
God, it's hard for him to speak
but every night he rasps a squeak,
trembling hands folded, he whispers a prayer
before his last breath, his bless'd wings will appear,.
He's quite convinced You promised him flight
You said in Your book that he'd soar to great heights.
On wings much like eagles, he'll follow Your Light
straight up to heaven with eternal life.
These years of sickness still can't harm his faith
that You'll send him those wings, made with feathers of Grace.

[SeaN]

Hey I noticed some really interesting things about your poem:

First of all, it was quite good. It's clear that this subject is close to your heart (although it also seems like you are just scratching the surface of these emotions). Also, I'm not sure how much thought you put into your structure and form, but it's really very good as well. The sylabic meter is perfect at 7 or 8 sylables through the first part, then jumps to 10-12 sylables at the end. Cool form! Very nice way to build momentum for the end.

I'm wondering why you chose not to break up this one up into stanzas? I think it might make for a more powerful delivery.

I might recomend 2 line stanzas to enforce the rhyme. Something like this?
_____
God, please give this man some wings
to fight the Parkinson's disease.

Please keep the clouds far from his mind
keep safe his thoughts, one of a kind.

Send him wings to lift the haze,
that stole the sparkle from his gaze.

God, I beg you, come and take
from this man each pain and ache.

Which he's ever had to bear
please place it all within my care.

And maybe it will ease the shake
that's in his hands and neck each day.

God, it's hard for him to speak
but every night he rasps a squeak.

Trembling hands folded, he whispers a prayer
before his last breath, his bless'd wings will appear.

He's quite convinced You promised him flight
You said in Your book that he'd soar to great heights.

On wings much like eagles, he'll follow Your Light
straight up to heaven with eternal life.

These years of sickness still can't harm his faith
that You'll send him those wings, made with feathers of Grace.
____
Nice work though! I look forward to the next one.

[shatteredsight]

Oh wow, thanks! COOL!
Yeah, I like that, I might change it to the stanzas thingy.
That's really cool!

My teachers father had been battling Parkinson's for 17 years...and he ended up dying about a month after I wrote this for her.
She just mentioned it in class, and I lost my grandfather a year before, some of the things she said about her dad reminded me alot of him... I just started writing. When I gave it to her she cried, I felt bad, especially when he died soon after...

Thank you, it was a boost on my confidence in writing

[Lubesh]

There's not much wrong with your writing but any boost does help...keep at it and keep them coming!

[shatteredsight]

Ooooh, thank you... That's a HUGE compliment coming from you, Lubesh.

i wont go into the touchy part, but if from a literary perspective, a bit more abstract would have been really nice. if the parkinsinsons disease words werent used and kept for the reader. the poem would have to be different though then.

anyway good work. spiritually.

Hirak.

[shatteredsight]

thank you Hirok.
I'm really sorry I didn't get on sooner, been having issues.
I see your point, too. As I said, it just came out of my pen, who knows what the finished product would've been if I'd broken it down.