[Timmay]

Synopsis: What a man is and isn't

Panjshir IV


I am as God made me.

A man walks into my line of sight. You can learn much by watching people when they think they’re alone. The sniper is light in my hands, and the desert wind laps softly at my face.

I am as God made me. A stalker.

I raise the rifle to my eye. The man gets out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, striking it into action. The warm orange glow lights his face, as he enjoys the simple pleasure. My line of sight is clear. Nothing is in my way.

I am as God made me. A sharp-eye.

He takes another long drag on the cigarette, thinking about home. It’s written on his face; the pond he used to play at with his friends, his mother’s cooking, the first time he had sex with his girlfriend. He thinks how when it’s all over, he will go back to it all, and everything will be normal again. I aim and readjust the sniper. My hands don’t tremble.

I am as God made me. A calm.

He smokes the cigarette to the butt, and takes in the tranquility. He thinks that even though it’s a war zone, the desert is actually a beautiful place. Just then, he smiles; he figures it all out. The World, the War, his very existence.

You can learn much by watching people when they think they’re alone.

As I reload, I ponder his death.

I am not as God made me. I am me, and I made myself. A stalker. A sharp-eye. A calm and a storm. I am me; a killer of God's creation.

[Gurdit]

You can learn much, watching people when they think they’re alone.

How about replacing the comma with a "by"?

his Mother’s cooking

Just out of curiosity, any reason Mother is capitalized?

He thinks that even though it’s a war zone, that the desert is actually a beautiful place.

The second that is a grammatical error.

You can learn much, watching people when they think they’re alone.

Yet again, comma vs "by"


Now the piece itself:
I like the idea of it. Very very nicely written. The only thing that confused me a bit was why the sniper seems to have a telepathic connection with the man he's about to kill. With the refrains of "I am as God made me" changing into "I am not as God made me", I feel like the main character is the sniper. Yet, you write in such a way that I feel like I'm empathizing with the victim, with sentences like "Just then, he smiles; he figures it all out. The World, the War, his very existence."

This sentence I felt was your most powerful sentence, and it's dedicated to the victim. So now I'm really confused as to who the "hero" of this otherwise wonderfully written piece is.

[Timmay]

i was honestly thinking about that myself. I wasn't completely sure who was who; i know that the two people are in afganistan, hence the TRUE title of the poem, panjishir IV (a military operation in the Afgan Soviet war.)

Thinking about it, the soviets, (or russians, whichever) are a semi-godless people, where as the afganis, i believe, are much more... godly (not in the sence of divinity, but more along the lines of "God is part of their life.") So i guess the main character is an afgani.

but in all honesty, nationality doesnt matter, nor did you ask a question about nationality. you asked who the real hero is, and i guess that's up to you to deside. If you were the sniper, after all your training, after a people invaded your homeland, would you pull the trigger on someone who finally figured it out?

I understand your question, and its completely legit, but i can't answer it. I think it's up to you to deside who the hero is; the one protecting his country, or the one who figured it all out

[Gurdit]

Hmm... ok.
But really, I think to me it's a little too confusing to decide that

[RENA HANDS]

Such intensity u have illustrated with imagery and expressed with ur words. The ordering of ur character’s actions just as he, before and after he kills his target...Cold! Then to be ‘a killer of God’s creation,’ one must be distant from their prey.

A rating 4 of 5 is appropriate I believe for such a ‘lively’ posting.