1000#31 It Used To Snow

[Nupur]

Author's Note: This story is still being revised. I've posted it here on Lubesh's suggestion. Please do tell me where to improve. Thank you.


"Mom! Look out!" Miranda shrieked as soon as she saw the bright red truck speeding towards their car. Rachel Woods' daughter held onto her seat as tightly as she could. The icy wind burnt her eyes through the open window and obscured her vision. The brake lights lit up. Rachel swerved to the right, trying to avoid a collision. Her sable hair whipped across her face, making it difficult to see what was ahead. The heavy snow had made the road slippery. She found herself losing control of the vehicle and crashed into a huge tree. She felt her head hitting the dashboard, the searing pain tearing through her flesh… and then all was black.

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Thousands of miles away, the next morning, Melissa Wilkins' husband fondled her bulging belly as he handed a glass of milk to his heavily pregnant wife. Both of them sat on the loveseat by the window, enjoying the view in front of them.

"She's coming very soon, Andrew. I can feel her kicking inside me." Her voice trembled with excitement.

"I'm about to become a dad in less than forty-eight hours! We'll name her Rebecca. Rebecca Wilkins. It has a nice ring to it."

Melissa couldn't help but smile. "Haven't you already said that about… half a million times at last count?"

He laughed as he bent down to kiss her. Picking up the newspaper, he frowned at the headline.

Mother, Daughter Killed in Car Crash

Boston mother and daughter died on Friday morning when their Honda Civic crashed into a tree. Rachel Woods, 32, and her daughter Miranda, 8, died at the scene of accident. The mother was dropping her daughter to school and it is believed that neither was wearing seat belts. The vehicle skidded over the foot deep snow as Woods lost control. The victims' family was unavailable for comment.

"Poor little soul. She was just eight. Had a bright long life ahead of her." he commented. As he read the rest of the paper, he did not notice his wife's contorted face.

"Andrew, she's coming." Melissa looked scared. She cried out in pain as another spasm made it difficult for her to breathe. He rushed to her side and immediately helped her into the back seat of the car as he sped to the hospital.

The next morning they were the proud parents of a beautiful sable haired girl.

-------

Twenty years later.

Rebecca Wilkins does not know it, but the time she spends looking out of the window, she is actually waiting for the snow. Will it be coming soon? Will she see the beautiful white flakes falling from the heavens, giving her joy and telling her that everything is perfectly alright, just the way it should be? She wonders, but as soon as these thoughts cross her mind, they are gone again, as fleeting as drops of snow on a hot summer's day.

Why am I waiting for it to snow? She asks herself, but as soon as the question is posed, it melts, just like the numerous snowmen she has seen in the past, snowmen that were exquisitely crafted by her daughter's careful, meticulous hands.

Daughter? The word flits around her mind; it seems as foreign a concept as snow is in a Hawaiian city. She didn't have a daughter. She didn't have a daughter Before…

'Before' is what she calls the time that she can recall only hazily, before the time she settled in Hawaii. Who was she Before? Was she always Rebecca Wilkins? She does not know, and minutes later the thoughts are gone, and Rebecca resumes her staring out of the window.

What she can remember is that she is waiting for something; waiting for something she feels will never return. Is it her daughter, or is it the snow?

She shakes her head. She didn't, doesn't have a daughter. She wonders why it feels like she has been thinking of this daughter before. She wonders if she is losing her mind and pictures it, small, fragile, crumbling like a snowflake being crushed in her hand.

She feels her head bursting with pain, and catches a brief glimpse of the 'Before'. Burning flesh, a child's scream and darkness all around. Just as the thoughts had come, they vanish, leaving her alone in the freezing chill that's in her mind.

She opens the window, and hot air comes crawling in. In this humid heat, there is no chance for snow to fall. But it always snowed at Christmas Before…

Sometimes she sees a happy memory, that of a child's frivolous laughter, but she can't place it. She knows she's heard it somewhere before.

Before, before, before…

Why does she care about Before? Was life better Before? Was there snow at Christmas Before?

She wants to cry, because even though she does not remember consciously waiting for it, her heart weeps for the absence of snow, how snow marked Christmas for her family, and how her daughter was never home for Christmas anymore.

She frowns to herself. She doesn't have a daughter.

Her husband leaps out of the chair, to wipe away the tears that are spilling out on her cheeks. "Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I miss the snow," Rebecca whispers, her voice as quiet as snow falling gracefully onto the ground.

He looks at her, his face contorting in confusion. "There is no snow," he says firmly, trying to steer her away from the window.

"It used to snow Before!" she exclaims insistently, trying, forcing her memory to comply; making her best effort to remember the way the snow used to look, how beautiful her daughter was when it was snowing all around her. Her daughter. Did she have a daughter?

"There's no 'Before'," her husband insists gently, but his words only feel like hailstones, battering her heart.

She nods quietly, and then it starts to snow. Not outside the window, but only in her mind, the blizzard wiping the memories of her daughter away.


(1000 words NAILED!)

[dorian hanes]

I think you are missing an end quote here… ‘Before,(‘) is what she calls…

I don’t think ‘air can crawl’ but what about saying ‘and hot air comes wafting in?’
(Or drifting, floating, gushing?)

I read nothing wrong with your story. What are you afraid that you are missing?

Maybe give more details/imagery/memory to this daughter that is not born? Or has not been born yet?

[Nupur]

Thank a lot, Rena.

According to me, I haven't coherently bound the three parts of the story. There's not enough evidence to suggest rebirth. I have left a lot to imagination. I know I can't tamper with this entry anymore, but I'd certainly like to improve upon it in future.

I wanted to give more details, in fact, I wanted to put full, albeit hazy memories there (Part 3), but damn the word limit!

I'm going to imrpove upon this. Thanks a lot for your comment. Really aprreciate this.

[Vorcla]

I think you did a good job overall, Nupur, considering the word limit. I did one of these just to see if I could do less than 1000 words; I've had sentences that long! I don't know that I'll do another one. You keep growing and trying new things; that's commendable. Keep it up.

Rick

[Nupur]

Haha, yeah. I'm used to writing 10000 word long chapters, so this was slightly difficult and I'm not happy with the result.

Thanks a lot for the comment.

[Bluejay]

First, let me say that I love the concept behind this. And though it has been done before, you make it unique by (for example) having it be the mother who comes back, not the daughter, as may have been hinted at by the husband noticing the age of the girl in the newspaper ad. I also happen to think the third part is absolutely wonderful in terms of bringing out the remembered parts, her confusion, etc - and the fact that she remembers not the final event (the crash) but more incidental things like snow, the things that truly color our lives, is a brilliant touch.

Now some other things:

- I woul drop the last names. I understand that you're trying to make a connection ("R. W.", Rachel Words, Rebecca Wilkins), but I think the way you bring out the third part makes that unnecessary. And it seems highly unusualy to me that parents wouild give their child a different last name from their own - unusual as in "contrived". It didn't make sense to me, except as being overly forced. Again, you work out the connection well enough in the third part, that that level of contrivance isn't needed (though it was fun to figure out why). I think you could drop the last names entirely, and it would still work beautifully.

- This is minor, and I'm a California boy who never sees snow, but can an automobile skid across a foot of snow? I suppose if it's packed... well consider it my ignorance (and I'll stand corrected if so), but it sounded odd to me.

Overall, I think you did a great job with this, and the entire ending part was well crafted and verging on poetry in prose. Nicely done!

[Nupur]

Thank you so very much for the wonderful comment!

I'll change Melissa's surname to Wilkins. That was the original intention, but I'm stupid and I missed that out. I can't do away with the surnames completely because of the newspaper article. That has to be formal and should contain the full names.

And about skidding on the snow... I don't know... I'm Indian and it doesn't snow here. I just thought that when the snow starts thawing, it'll become slippery and the vehicle might go out of control and start slipping sideways. I'll try to come up with a better word for that.

Thanks a lot for all the help.

[Venomous Vixen]

I thought the concept here was fantastic, almost spooky. I have a bit of trouble reading things in present tense, and that was truly my only issue here. I have to constantly read sentences over because they just sound wrong to me. All of that aside this was fantastic and the way you carried the snow through, and some word choices to paint those images... Very well done!

[Nupur]

Thank you. I don't like present tense either and in one of my drafts, the entire story was in past tense, but I didn't really get the desired effect. And so I converted it back to the present tense.

Thanks a ton for the wonderful comment.

[Dala Isyrias]

So sad! I would like to see this one actually extended, personally. I feel the it was restricted in the prompt, even though well done.

[Nupur]

Thank you! I'd love to extend it too... maybe someday... Thanks!

[Keplaz]

This was really good Nupur. The idea was unique. I liked the Sable hair for some reason and I like the use of Before. The word limit made is feel a bit cramped but it didn't lose any of it's power or meaning. I enjoyed the window scene very much, when she's remembering a life she can never know. This was a really lovely take to the prompt and I really loved reading this. This was quite sad and the emotional was almost tangible.

Exquisitely done.

[Nupur]

Thank you very much!

[-Jim-]

I admit, I got lost. What does the first part have to do with the second? The mother gets reincarnated? Maybe thats why. It just threw me a bit, but that is a good thing. Your writing here was very good.

[Lubesh]

You my knowmy thoguhts..but again your exceptional talents are broguht to the fore.

An idea re the snow...be more credible if u ued sheet of ice or black ice with snow can be deadly.

[Nupur]

Thank you!

@Jim, Yes, the mother gets reincarnated. The first section is of the mother in her previous birth. The second section is about the accident and the parents of the reincarnated 'mother'. 'Rachel' comes back as 'Rebecca'.

[xtremelady]

Firstly I got to give ya credit on writing this within in the word limit – you did a fantastic job – the links are there, forming a picture for us. The memories bring it together at the end. I too would like to see concept developed more – i am sure would do awesome job – but still really good read as it stands.

[Nupur]

Thank you very much!

[Corneac]

This was pretty cool Nup. I think you need to refine your style though...there was an excess of rhetorical questions, and some of your sentences end and start the same, making the read a but redundant and jarred. But I loved the idea, although a little restricted - it was a great concept and pretty fantastically written. Some great descriptions,. Well done.

[Nupur]

Thank you.

[Wordsmyth]

I've been thinking of doing some stories on reincarnation so I was really interested in seeing how you did this. I think you did a wonderful job. You tied everything together nicely and there was really no need to imagine it, you described it nicely.

I do agree somewhat with BJ and Corn. There were some extra or repetitive words in there that didn't necessarily need to be. When you're stuck trying to keep it under a thousand words those extra ones can take away from the content. Not that the did here, this is good, just for future reference.

[Nupur]

Thank you very much Mike. I agree about the repetition. I'll try to revise and extend this story. Thanks a lot for the wonderful comment!